08 February 2010
I have prided myself in being above mediocrity, on being more than the average man. I am ashamed to admit that all this time I have been wrong. But I will admit, I have been wrong, I am no more than a man. Whatever the definition of which it entails, that I am, a man and no more.
I would like to believe in a One True Way, a destiny, a predetermined future that speaks of me being born to be more than what I have always been. I would like to believe in fate. I would like to believe that there is something out there in the path time takes to the end of it all that says one day I will be great. But I know there is none, I know now that there is no one true way. That I am a man molded by the choices I make and the events this brings.
For as long as I could remember I have been obsessed with the past and the future. Wishing there was a way I could travel back with the wisdom I have now and change things, make things better than they are. Hoping that eventually something will happen that will lead me to a destiny I have so long wished for me to have. I am constantly at war with the truth that is time, and that there is nothing I can do about anything in it other than what is in the present.
I have come to understand that my wishing and hoping have all been wrong. Understand, but not accept.
I know this, I accept that the fact that I cannot accept that fact is a weakness. I am afraid of the future, and as the mistakes I have made pile up I cannot stop myself from dwelling In the seas my incapability to take charge of my own life has created. I am drowning, and as I consume more and more of these errors I realize all of this is just too much for me, and I will die in my sins to myself and to the world around me. To the people I love, and how I have begun to hate people I love simply for being right about me, for stabbing me with knives and spears in my face. There is simply too much of it for me to start over.
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But then, I do not have to start over.
I have taken the step to realize I am drowning, I have awoken to see my world flooded by these blunders of my own making. I have accepted that there is no way for me to parch these waters, and what I have to do is to learn how to swim.
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I am humbled by my own words, I recall once saying to a friend; “We can never start over, we can only continue from where we are.” How arrogant of me to have said words I have been blind to follow. Time and time again reminds me of how my past has molded me to be what I am. Weak, irresponsible, arrogant, fool-hardy, timid, indolent, these are adjectives that have chosen me as host. I have lived a life to deserve the flaws of my nature, and not the splendor that I could be.
There, I said it, there is nothing I must be. There is nothing I should be. There is nothing I need to be. There are only the things I can be. Somewhere between my clouded reverie and lurid lucidity I know, There are things to be done, and everything now lies as to if I will.
I can never really know unless I try I guess.
5 things said:
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Gaw Sisar!!!!!!!!!! PAYto!!!!!!!! Ay bilibinyu!!!!!!!!! hahahah!!!!
MPSF or CW!!!! Arkiyoloji!!!!!!!! GAW GAW GAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^________^
ay layk dis powst baydawey waheheheh :D pati yung insights mo waheheh heh :D
Haksuwali, SMPF yung pangalan nung kors pareng Toilet. Yabberlaykdispost!
Sisar. Toilet. So... okay, the etymology of dance evolved into Budnivil, changed into daboy turned bossing...>__< I can't follow.
Ernest Jean Angeles , habilibinyu rin! wahahaha! (O taas-kamay ka na rin. nyaha!)
I am still watching the film (or reading the story), no idea where it'd go, which fascinates me enough to keep watching until now and I believe until it goes on and on and on Infinitely. Nabanggit ko na 'tong "film" na 'to. I don't know if you recall. :p
Yosh! GAWmbatte! haha!
woot! gawmbatte! :D
Hahahahah pwede na rin yun Sisar!
Malikhaing
Pagsulat
Sa
FIlipino
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!
okei, sabi ko nga e.. smpf hahahahah XD :D roflolx wahahahah :D ^___^ :D gaw bot! :D
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