The Continuity of Self-Hate in the War Against the Truth That is Time

08 February 2010

I have prided myself in being above mediocrity, on being more than the average man. I am ashamed to admit that all this time I have been wrong. But I will admit, I have been wrong, I am no more than a man. Whatever the definition of which it entails, that I am, a man and no more.

I would like to believe in a One True Way, a destiny, a predetermined future that speaks of me being born to be more than what I have always been. I would like to believe in fate. I would like to believe that there is something out there in the path time takes to the end of it all that says one day I will be great. But I know there is none, I know now that there is no one true way. That I am a man molded by the choices I make and the events this brings.

For as long as I could remember I have been obsessed with the past and the future. Wishing there was a way I could travel back with the wisdom I have now and change things, make things better than they are. Hoping that eventually something will happen that will lead me to a destiny I have so long wished for me to have.  I am constantly at war with the truth that is time, and that there is nothing I can do about anything in it other than what is in the present.

I have come to understand that my wishing and hoping have all been wrong. Understand, but not accept.

I know this, I accept that the fact that I cannot accept that fact is a weakness. I am afraid of the future, and as the mistakes I have made pile up I cannot stop myself from dwelling In the seas my incapability to take charge of my own life has created. I am drowning, and as I consume more and more of these errors I realize all of this is just too much for me, and I will die in my sins to myself and to the world around me. To the people I love, and how I have begun to hate people I love simply for being right about me, for stabbing me with knives and spears in my face. There is simply too much of it for me to start over.

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But then, I do not have to start over.

I have taken the step to realize I am drowning, I have awoken to see my world flooded by these blunders of my own making. I have accepted that there is no way for me to parch these waters, and what I have to do is to learn how to swim.

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I am humbled by my own words, I recall once saying to a friend; “We can never start over, we can only continue from where we are.” How arrogant of me to have said words I have been blind to follow. Time and time again reminds me of how my past has molded me to be what I am. Weak, irresponsible, arrogant, fool-hardy, timid, indolent, these are adjectives that have chosen me as host. I have lived a life to deserve the flaws of my nature, and not the splendor that I could be.

There, I said it, there is nothing I must be. There is nothing I should be. There is nothing I need to be. There are only the things I can be. Somewhere between my clouded reverie and lurid lucidity I know, There are things to be done, and everything now lies as to if I will.

I can never really know unless I try I guess.

5 things said:

_Stine Olivar said...

^___________________^


Gaw Sisar!!!!!!!!!! PAYto!!!!!!!! Ay bilibinyu!!!!!!!!! hahahah!!!!


MPSF or CW!!!! Arkiyoloji!!!!!!!! GAW GAW GAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^________^


ay layk dis powst baydawey waheheheh :D pati yung insights mo waheheh heh :D

Ernest Angeles said...

Haksuwali, SMPF yung pangalan nung kors pareng Toilet. Yabberlaykdispost!

Matt Tuazon said...

Sisar. Toilet. So... okay, the etymology of dance evolved into Budnivil, changed into daboy turned bossing...>__< I can't follow.

Ernest Jean Angeles , habilibinyu rin! wahahaha! (O taas-kamay ka na rin. nyaha!)

I am still watching the film (or reading the story), no idea where it'd go, which fascinates me enough to keep watching until now and I believe until it goes on and on and on Infinitely. Nabanggit ko na 'tong "film" na 'to. I don't know if you recall. :p

Yosh! GAWmbatte! haha!

_Stine Olivar said...

woot! gawmbatte! :D

_Stine Olivar said...

Hahahahah pwede na rin yun Sisar!

Malikhaing
Pagsulat
Sa
FIlipino


WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!


okei, sabi ko nga e.. smpf hahahahah XD :D roflolx wahahahah :D ^___^ :D gaw bot! :D

 
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