Paligsahan ng Paghingi ng Awa

18 March 2010

Sunod-sunod na patalastas ng mga politikong gusto maging pangulo, gumagambala sa kaunting oras sa bawat araw na nilalaan ko sa panonood ng TV. Si Villar na pinagpipilitan sa ating mahirap lang talaga s'ya nung bata pa s'ya kahit na sa private school s'ya nag-aral at tatlong palapag ang bahay nila sa Tondo. Si Noynoy na pinangangalandakan ang mga 'nagawa' ng mga magulang n'ya samantalang 'di naman n'ya pinapansin ang issue ng Hacienda Luisita at Mendiola Massacre. Si Erap na pinangangalandakang ipinagkait sa kanya ng administrasyong Arroyo ang kalahati ng termino n'ya samantalang si Arroyo din ang dahilan kaya malaya s'ya ngayon. Bakit ba itong mga nasa tuktok ng mga survey na ito e walang ginawa kundi magpaawa?

Tignan mo itong si Villar, "bumalik na lang sana ako sa pagiging negosyante." Bakit Manny, umalis ka ba? E ikaw ang numero unong halimbawa ng burukrat na kapitalista. Pinapatakbo ang bansa na parang isang kumpanya. Hindi ka ordinaryong kurakot, ikaw yung tipong ginagamit ang kapangyarihan hindi para sa pagkamkam ng yaman kundi para sa mga konting maniobra na makakalamang ka. Tulad na lang ng sa C5 road extension, ilihis ba ng konti ang kalsada para makinabang naman si Mr. Villar.

Yun paraan mo din ng pangangampanya, ikaw mismo alam mong nasira ang sure-win mo na sanang kandidaturya nung pumasok sa eksena itong si Noynoy. Kaya ngayon desperado kang gumagastos ng milyun-milyon para itaas ang sarili sa mga ratings, para ibida ang kawalan mo ng pera. Ang galing, napakapoetic ng kampanya mo, punung-puno ng irony.

New School TRAPO itong si Manny, TRAPO pa rin pero makabago na style, hindi na masyado halata. Pero ganun pa rin, puro pakitang gilas, puro kasinungalingan, puro para sa sarili ang mga ginagawa.

May nakakalimutan ba tayo tungkol kay Erap? Convicted, CONVICTED, ng graft & corruption. Nagnakaw na, alam na, makukulong na nga dapat kung may lakas ng loob lang yung Huwes. Mabubulok na nga sana sa Tanay kung di lang pinagbigyan ni Gloria (tanga rin kasi itong mamatay tao nating Presidente). Eto pa, para lang patunayan na insulto sa mga aso na tawaging dog-eat-dog ang pulitika ng Pilipinas, TUMAKBO PANG PRESIDENTE! Inaway pa yung mismong taong nagpalaya sa kanya "Dog does not bite the hand that feeds it" apparently, ibang uri ng animal itong hinayupak na to.

Nakalimutan na ba natin ang dahilan kung bakit pinalayas natin ng Malacañang itong hayup na ito in the first place? Sabi ko nuong may bali-balita pa lang na tatakbo itong si Erap, kapag pinayagan s'ya ng Comelec, wala na talaga tayong respeto sa sarili nating Saligang Batas.

Ngayon naman, kapag nanalo itong si Erap, wala na tayong respeto sa Judicial system nating humusga sa kanya ng guilty, wala pa tayong awa sa sarili nating bansa, sa sarili nating mga pamilya, sa ulam na hinahain natin sa mesa.

Sino ang pinaka Trapo mangandidato sa lahat ng kandidato ngayon? Si Noynoy! Yehey!

Sino ang nangunguna sa mga survey? Si Noynoy! Yehey!

Kelangan na nating tumigil sa pagboto sa mga Icon. Nanalo si Erap dahil Icon s'ya ng kahirapan, nanalo si Cory dahil Icon s'ya ng namatay na Trapong si Ninoy Aquino (na hindi naman sana magiging bayani kung di lang namatay, bwiset na Trapo yan), Icon s'ya ng lahat ng naghihirap sa Martial Law, at sa Rehimeng Marcos. Bakit nangunguna si Noynoy? May experience ba s'ya? Wala. May napatunayan na ba s'ya? Wala. May kaya ba s'yang gawin? Ewan ko, malay natin? Magbabakasakali nanaman ba tayo sa isang ICON na kaya lang naman pinatakbo ng partido n'ya e dahil namatay ang nanay n'ya at masosolid nila ang Sympathy Vote n'ya (na sinusubukan agawin ni Villar gamit ang 'namatay ang utol ko' line). PUTANG INA! Lahat na lang ng patalastas ng kalbong ito e pinangangalandakan n'ya kung gaano kagaling ang mga namatay n'yang magulang at kung gaano n'ya gusto ituloy ang mga nasimulan ng mga ito. SAMANTALANG kapag binabato mo na s'ya ng issue tungkol sa administrasyon ng nanay n'ya o sa mga pinapatay sa lupain nila ang sagot na n'ya e "Huwag n'yo pong ibato kay Senator Aquino ang mga nagawa o hindi nagawa ng mga kamag-anak n'ya, ibang tao po si Senator Aquino, s'ya po ang husgahan natin." Putang inang Ipokritong double standard yan. E wala ka ngang maihusga kay Noynoy, Wala naman s'yang meron e! Puro lang dada tungkol sa pagpapatigil ng korapsyon samantalang kaapu-apuhan s'ya ng mga panginoong may lupa na pinagkakait sa mga magsasaka ang lupang nasa batas naman na dapat na ay sa kanila. Korapsyon? Ayun ang korapsyon, na ang batas ay hindi nag-aaply sa pamilya ni Aquino dahil mas makapangyarihan sila.

Oo, suklam na suklam ako kay Aquino, dahil pinuputa n'ya sa atin ang mga namatay n'yang magulang bilang dahilan kaya s'ya ang dapat iboto. Sabagay, wala naman s'yang maipagmalaki na major bill na naipasa tulad ng running mate n'ya. Wala s'yang experience ng mga kalaban n'ya. Wala s'yang kahit ano, ang meron lang si Noynoy ay ang pamilya n'ya, ang nabubulok n'yang apelyido.

Oo na, medyo OA na ang inis ko kay Noynoy, pero para n'yo nang awa, huwag n'yo iboboto itong tatlong to ha? Please?

May alam ka ba?

Senses

03 February 2010

I wish we can turn off our senses.

I wish I can choose to not hear, not feel. I wish I could be there but not know it.

I always wish I cannot feel, the world I move around in is a jungle of stimulus that mauls each of my senses like mobs. I am left beaten from the moment I can no longer pretend to be asleep to the instance life grants my wish that I be numbed and fall asleep. The pain I bear is so that I forget to wish for my dreams to not hold the pain in them. If at all, remove all my senses, may no more come to this consciousness of mine, if I shall still live let me then be a shadow awaiting death. If you cannot take from me all that binds me to this reality then by the very least take my hearing. For I can always close my eyes, but my ears are cursed to always hear the words spoken to me by she who means to hurt, amen.

My name is Jun Palma, and I am not alone in the confines of my room. I share the space with fear, hate, anger, sadness. I share my room with the recurring words from a creature known to my soul only as the bringer of pain. I am not alone and I have never felt so weak.

Hate, if I have to left with only one thing, let it be the hate. My Hate.

Reminiscing ACLEs

27 January 2010

Of my UP life, 8 ACLEs have come and 7 of them have passed, the latest one is this year and I'm happy to somehow be a part of UP PsycA's ACLEs this year even if I'm not on campus (though being part merely means I came up with the title and made some posters) I like ACLEs in general and this is just to remember those that passed.

During my First year I never attended ACLEs, to me they we're just an excuse to go home early. I was never required to attend any nor did I go to any extent of actually wanting to attend any, ACLE topics from organizations bore me, they we're repetitive and unimaginative. Photography crash courses and stuff about comic books are the only things that caught my eye on the bulletin boards, so no, I did not like ACLEs back then.

During my second year I was already part of UP PsycA when the ACLEs started, UP PsycA's ACLE during the first sem was a team up with UP Kustura, an org of people from Marikina. We didn't attend that, we went up to Vinson's to attend an ACLE with Papa Dom about Reggae music and the Rastafarian ideology. In hindsight, I did ask a lot of stupid questions that day, but I did get a picture with Papa Dom and got his autograph.

The Second sem Ate Meme was bugging us about what to present, I had recently watched the film Umaaraw, Umuulan starring Ryan Agoncillo and suggested we show that to people. It was typically uneventful, we had a few people in and it was merely an excuse for me and Jammin to get to smoke in the fourth floor classroom we reserved for the event. Ate Meme gave a little talk about Schizophrenia as well, which she did real well as it apparently was her report for her Psych 155 class.

When we took over PsycA during our third year we wanted our ACLE to be a something people would actually WANT to go to, not have to. I can't remember who actually came up with the idea (I'd like to say it was me, but I'm not sure) that we make a film about Zorro, the costumed mascot of the Academic Oval. It was originally a film, that boiled down to a documentary (or a lousy excuse for one) about Dennis Magtajas, the guy behind the mask. So that's what we called it, "Sa Likod ng Maskara: Ang Stigma ni Zorro". I starred in that docu and did voice acting for that as well, I interviewed Zorro and his father and we built a pretty good picture of who the guy is. This is when we started the lucky streak of speakers, Prof. Rosel from the Psych Department who teaches Abnormal Psychology was a great speaker and did more than we expected from her, which is saying something. We expected a lot from her, she delivered and we we're in awe. The room was filled to doors, and it was a booming success. We knew by then that when we're gonna do events, we can't just pull something off, we have to raise the bar.

The next one we did was something about food, apparently Ging wanted something that had something to do with food. The original professor we wanted to invite was to be invited if only to discuss the "tingi mentality" of Filipinos when it comes to food, he declined the invitation and suggested we ask Prof. Cosare instead. If anybody was an expert at Food Psychology it was him, he knew it, he may be the only one who knew it in the country or even the region. He was more prepared than we we're! We pestered a few people to attend it and we got to fill the room with people, who happily taste tested everything the professor brought (he had wine, and we we're warm all day because of it) and the free isaw we gave away at the end. Again, we raised the bar, apparently Prof. Cosare became popular because of this and was invited to two other ACLEs, one for last sem and another one for this semester.

The Last one was something that you would've expected from a Psychological organization. It was about reading minds "We Can Read Your Mind" as we called it, and we invited a former private investigator (a professor of Rose and a classmate of Mhe-Ann) from BA. Sorry to say I forgot his name, he is a young professor who knew what he was talking about. We also invited Prof. Ed Decenteceo from the Psych Department as a reactor to the event, he was wonderful and provided an opening for this year's ACLE about paranormal psychology. Sir Ed talked about how behavior and body language affects us, how he applies it in acting, in his counseling, in teaching, and a crash course on "Heart Chakras" and the spiritual things like that. I put great publicity as number one reason we filled the Big AS room (96 people! we had to borrow chairs from adjoining rooms and STILL have people standing) Tinek did a wonderful job with the pubmats and I think the success of our previous ACLEs proved fruitful as I saw familiar faces from our previous ACLE joining us that day. As usual, hosting duties fell on me despite me being out of school that semester, during the technical difficulties part in the start I would like to believe the little research I did on Evolutionary Psychology and how our evolution has affected our body language did well in burning up time for the audience. We also showed an episode from the TV series "Lie to Me" about micro expressions. All in all it was the best we ever pulled off and we have been raising the bar of ACLEs ever since we took over. ACLEs now are getting more and more interesting and I hope I'm not being rude by assuming it was because UP PsycA has sworn never to do anything mediocre when it comes to ACLE. We wanted to do something nobody else has ever done, and people who we don't even know go to our ACLEs to actually learn, and that is the idea behind ACLEs anyway. We don't bring in big and popular names or pop topics, we choose topics we like and we know people should learn about.

I hope I'm not jinxing UP PsycA's good ACLE record with this but the latest one, about Parapsychology is proving to be something to be proud of as well, we cut it close this time but I guess we're pulling it off real good as usual. So reader, you heard it from me, UP PsycA raised the bar when it comes to ACLE, and we're not done yet.

Have You Ever Wondered What Could be Beyond Our Senses?

UP PsycA 
presents
Beyond Senses : Understanding Parapsychology

An Alternative Learning Classroom Experience (ACLE)

With a demonstration with Fr. Jaime Bulatao, Ph.D. (an Expert in Parapsychology)

Reactors:
Prof. Aurora Mendoza, Ph.D.
Prof. Edwin Decenteceo, Ph.D.

See you at PHAn Lobby
1-4 PM January 28, 2010

Pathetic Loser Admits Pathetic Loserness

29 December 2009

I admit it, you still make me feel weird.

Don't get me wrong I really really appreciate that your in love and all that. You like this guy, and he's probably a really nice guy, he's real good looking and all that, he's even artistic and all that, we could actually be buddies. But hell, here I am, being miserable for something that is five years old. God, I probably sound so pathetic right now.

I remember Prom night, yes this will so pathetic, when I held you in my arms and we danced some weird dance-like thing. I must've stepped on your foot for at least three times, cut me slack, I was nervous. Do you still remember what I told you? Probably not, fifty other guys were on the line to dance with you. I said, "Pinapangarap ko to ng tatlong taon.", something like that. Pathetic losers like me say stuff like that.

It's very very weird.

You know what I'm doing right now? I'm looking at your facebook photos, and photographs I took way back when. I am looking at them and I feel so pathetic doing it.

No, really, don't mind me. I'm a writer, I write stuff, this is what I do, so don't you go worrying about the stuff I've been saying. Not that you'll be able to read this anyway, never had that much confidence since second year highschool, and that was done in a really cowardly way too, giving you all those pathetic poems I did. Do you still have them? Probably stuffed underneath your pillow or something? Hah, I wish, if you still have it it's probably deep in the pile of stuff all the guys that try to win your heart has given you.

I don't even understand this, It's not like there were no girls after you, I had my fair share, and then some. You we're, like, the girl that never was. That I never went any distance with. Maybe that's it, I placed you on the pedestal, my deity, nobody can take you place inside of me, you'd always be that special creature of the human species that will torment my internal organs forever. And that makes me pathetic.

A friend says, "It's just weird, it's never pathetic." Maybe she's right, liking you is never pathetic, your the first girl I used the word "love" with, that may not be so pathetic. If you we're just another trophy beauty damsel then it would be very pathetic but you're not. You're the female human that stood in a place in my consciousness and never left.

I don't know, maybe I'm just regressing, sorry for wasting you're time. I'm pretty sure he's a great guy and he loves you very much. Click nga kayo 'di ba? Hahaha. yeah I stalk him too so I know he's pretty neat, and I hate that because it doesn't give me a reason to hate the guy. So there, just had to say it, keep in touch.

Sorry for being weird, don't worry, I have no idea what I'm talking about either.

Nauubos nga Kaya?

11 November 2009

(oo, yan talaga ang title n'yan, hindi yan inagaw sa mga linya sa Katorse kahit na parang magkasing korni)

Paano kaya kung ang pagmamahal e nauubos. Yung tipo bang me stock ng pag-ibig sa puso mo, tapos kapag naubos na e wala na, di mo na kaya magmahal. Kahit anong pilit mo, di na kakagat ulit tulad ng dati.

Naisip ko lang naman kasi hindi ako sanay ng hindi ako inlab, taena komedya. Lagi akong inlab e, kung kanikanino, apaka bilis ko mainlab. May mga resurgence-resurgence pang nalalaman ang puso't damdamin ng bwakanang inang pakshet, tipo bang maiinlab pa ulit sa nainlaban na nya dati kahit hindi na naman sya inlab dun for quite some time. Inisip ko tuloy, sa dami ba ng nainlaban ko (taena, anong salita yan? nainlaban ampotah) e naubos na ba yung stock ko, di na kaya? Napamigay na lahat (kahit di nila lahat alam na nakakatanggap sila), ubos na, sa kabilang bahay na lang kayo mag trick or treat kasi di na kaya mamigay ng kendi ng mokong na to, 1 week old na pandesal na lang ang natitira, bonus na yung palamang ipis.

Inisip ko din, sakali ngang nauubos yung stock ng pag-ibig, parepareho kaya tayo ng dami ng pag-ibig? Baka merong mga sumisirit na sa puso nila yung pag-ibig, dyuskopoandame, tapos meron ding yung perslab nya na kaklasmeyt nyang tinuruan sya magtali ng sintas nung greyd tu lang ang kaya nyang maalayan ng pag-ibig, pagkatapos nun serial killer na s'ya. Halata naman kasing iba-iba tayo ng paraan ng paglustay sa pag-ibig na meron tayong naka stock, haypotetikali. Halimbawa nga ako, para akong bagitong bumberong perstaym humawak ng hose na sobrang lakas ng bugso ng tubig, edi kung sino-sino na nababasa, alang direksyon ampotah. Meron namang parang Kongresman, karamihan ng pork barrel e sa kanya lang. Papatayo lang s'ya isang put brids.

Tsaka, paano kay kinokompyut yun? Ibig ko sabihin, yung mga paraan ng pagpapakita ng pag-ibig may corresponding value ayon sa kung gaano kadaming pag-ibig ang kelangan i-alay. Siguro magastos yung magsimula ng bagong lab, kaya siguro ubos kaagad yung sa akin, bigay lang ako ng bigay e, walang maintenance.

Pero baka naman narereplenish, pede mag reload. Halimbawa nood ka ng mga pelikula ni John Lloyd e me sapat na bala ka na para mainlab ulit. O kaya may pace din ng pagreplenish, tapos depende ulit sa tao, ang jologs pero ang astig atdaseymtaym! Kelangan ko talaga malaman kung paano na rereplenish kung sakasakali, kasi kanina pinipilit kong mainlab ulit ayaw talaga, parang alam kong dapat naiinlab na ako, pero di sumusunod ang puso sa dinidikta ng isipan. Wala na daw kayang ibigay e, yata, di ko pa naman talaga nadidinig magsalita ang puso ko, bingi ako sa mga hiling ng damdamin, nakanatutsa, nakakadiring linya!

Pero syempre, haypotetikal lang nga, malay mo eklat ko lang to tapos di naman pala totoo, wala lang. Mali yung hula ko, tapos maya-maya naiinlab na ulit ako. Baka napapagod lang ang puso pero di nauubusan, naks, kanina pa ako bumabanat ng korning linya, ang korni-korni ko na, Walang wenta pa tong entry na to, halo-halong kagaguhan, kakornihan, kadramahan, malalim na linya, makekesong eklavu, nakakabanas na banat at jumbo blender na writing style pa ang gamit. Korni-korni ko talaga, ang wirdo lang kasi kapag hindi ka inlab.

Kay Malungkutin

26 July 2009

Naiinis ako,

Naiinis ako hindi dahil sa may mali kang ginawa, o dahil sa may napuna akong maling naganap, o dahil sa gusto ko lang mainis; ayoko sana mainis, kaso naiinis na nga ako, ano na magagawa ko, pero hindi ako sa'yo naiinis, naiinis ako sa ugali nangyayari sa'yo, sa ginagawa mo sa sarili mo.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, pakiramdam ko ay may dapat akong gawin, dapat kitang tulungan, payuhan, awayin na din siguro. Gusto kitang tulungan, pero paano naman kung ikaw lang ang may alam ng pinoproblema mo?

Hindi ko nga siguro maiintindihan ang hinahanap mo sa pagsasama, hindi ko nga siguro naiintindihan kung ano ang problema, hindi ako ikaw at hindi ko nakikita ang mundo sa mga mata mo, o inaalisa ito gamit ang isip mo. Ang meron ako ay ang mata ko lang at ang isip ko lang, pero meron din akong tainga, meron din akong bibig, pedeng makinig, at madalas nga'y kahit di mo naman hingin, o di mo man gustuhin, nagpapayo, nagtatanong, nagbibigay ng dahilan, depinsiyon, at paminsan-minsang solusyon.

Nakukulangan ka ba sa akin, sa kaniya, sa atin, sa pagsasama? Nawawala ba? Hinahanap mo ba? Hindi mo makita? Ayaw ba bumalik? Hindi mo alam kung paano pababalikin? Para kang nagyoyo na bumuhol yung pisi, maibabato mo, pero hindi gugulong pabalik.

Sabi ko magsabi ka, kasi pareho tayong hindi marunong. Hindi ka marunong mamroblema at di naman ako marunong kumilala ng problema ng iba, ilan beses ko ba dapat sabihing hindi ka nag-iisa?

Kaibigan mo ako, hindi dahil sa dineklara nating magkaibigan tayo, kundi dahil gusto kitang tao, at mabait ka sa akin. Kaibigan mo ako kasi gusto ko kaibigan kita, at hindi kita pwede maging kaibigan ng hindi mo rin ako nagiging kaibigan sa proseso, kaya umayos ka, tumayo ka d'yan, tigilan natin tong kadramahang ito at pagusapan natin ng matino.

Tae, akala ko ako na yung malungkutin. Tara na.

Never

30 May 2009

Malabo to, ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo na mag-iiskwigli eyed moment kayo habang binabasa at pagkatapos n'yo basahin ito.

Habang naglalakad ako papunta sa sakayan ng bus, inuunat at sinasara ko ang kaliwang kamay ko, nagpapanggap na may nakahawak dito. Lilingon ako sa tabi ko at ngingitian ang hangin, parang baliw na nakakakita ng kung ano, kung sino, parang bata na naglalaro ng pagkukunwari.

Ang dali para sa akin na gambalain ang pananaginip ng ilang pilas-pilas na katotohanan. Kaya kong magsimula mag-isip na mayroong nandiyan lang, mayroong dumarating, mayroong panibagong dahilan para magsulat ng ganitong pagsusulat, pero sa bandang huli ay mahuhulog lang ako sa katotohanan na wala naman talaga. Tuloy sa pagbagsak sa katotohanang malayo na ang alitaptap sa aking mga kamay. Kaya't magbabalik na lang ulit sa pananaginip.

May sarili s'yang mundo habang ako'y nasa mundo ng panaginip. May sarili s'yang alitaptap na gustong habulin, may sarili s'yang pagkukunwari, may sariling pagkumbinsi sa sarili, at yuon ang s'yang nagpapayelo sa alab ng sigarilyo ko, patuloy pa ring lumiliyab, ngunit lumiliyab na yelo na.

Kaya ko pa pala, kahit sa mundo ko ng pagkukunwari, kaya ko palang masaktan.

No One Had To Die

03 April 2009

I was planning to write something about the Columbine Highschool Massacre that happened 10 years ago after I read about it as I browsed old time magazines I had, I was waiting for April 20, 2009, to time it with the exact date they did what they did, but the Binghamton massacre made me do it earlier

 

13 innocent deaths on an April day, I thought the last time I would read about that is when I read about the Columbine Massacre, 4:20:1999.

4:20:1889 a man who would grow-up to kill in a more massive scale was born, Adolf Hitler.

I was suppposed to write something about kids, about how the society of highschools and the influences of media and the bazaar of options, to kids my age and younger, are confusing us. Making us make the wrong choices, realizing it too late or never realizing at all.

How you start associating yourself to things of power and mystery, losing your individual and falling into a type, a class, a group, a costumed pack. Guns, Hitler, Trenchcoats, those were supposed to be my accesories to a topic about Teens, Angst, and Life.

Now there is only one topic left to talk about and it is a topic I don't like,

Death.

 

Keep That Shit Away From Me

08 February 2009

So that's what karma is, shit causes shit causing more shit.

Right now, everything is just so fucked up, nothing is going right and I'm grasping at straws grasping at thinner straws.

I guess there's not much else to write,

Welcome to my Life.

Mahilig Ako sa Gabi

13 November 2008

Mahilig ako sa gabi, walang context, ako lang ba ang nakaisip ng context? Basta, gusto ko talaga ang gabi, yung dilim, yung bilog na bilog na buwan, tulad ngayon, yung madilim, yung mga ulap, yung mga poste ng ilaw, lalo na kung mahina yung ilaw, tapos yung lumang bumbilya na dilaw yung ilaw, ang galing, nakakaiyak sa ganda.

Madami akong ala-ala sa gabi, andun yung nagsesenti ako sa kwarto nung bata pa ako habang naghihintay na may dumaang witch sa ilaw ng buwan sa bintana namin, yung bintana na sliding, yung kahoy na may squares na mother-of-pearl. Galing.

Naalala ko nung hayskul, kapag tumetengga ako sa kwarto ko ng gabi, kahit pinapapak na ako ng lamok e iiwan ko pa rin bukas ang bintana para makita ko ang buwan at mahanginan ako ng hangin ng gabi. Masarap magsulat, kahit wala ako masyado nasusulat pag gabi, at puro tulang eng-eng ang gawa ko no'n. Masarap mag-isip, magplano ng future, ngayon kasi hanggang bukas na lang ang future na napaplano ko.

Naalala ko din nung nagsusulat ako ng tula nung hayskul sa sementeryo, malawak na damuhang sementeryo, gabi nun at undas, yun yata ang una kong sunken garden moment, basta, iba ang epekto n'ya sa akin.

Ngayon gusto ko talaga ang gabi sa UP, yung UP fair, yung mahaba na kulitan sa sunken pagkatapos ng Lantern Parade, yung mga tambay lang, nagkadalahang kwentuhan pagkatapos ng klase, uuwi na lubog na ang araw. Kung wala lang akong anxiety sa pagpapagabi ay ako na ang pinakamasayang tao sa buong mundo tuwing ginagabi ako sa UP.

Isama mo na yung usok ng sigarilyo, yung pagtengga na walang pakialam, yung happy-go-lucky ko na moda, yung pagkalimot sa madaming bagay at madaming maling desisyon na nagdala ng madami kong problema.

Andun na din yung paglalakad sa Univ Ave galing sa mga concert, masaya, nakakatuwa. Paborito ko pa rin yung sa Acad oval, mas maganda tignan yung mga jeep, kotse, at poste ng ilaw, pati na din yung mangilan-ngilan na bukas na ilaw sa mga bilding. Yung gabi, yung kwentuhan na naimpluwensyahan na ng gabi, parang droga, bangag ka na sa epekto ng lahat ng elemento. Lahat ng bagay gumaganda, kahit ano, o sino, na akala mo wala nang igaganda pa, pinagaganda ng gabi.

Kaya nakaka inlab yang gabi, mahilig ako sa gabi, siguro nga mahilig din ako 'pag' gabi. Ewan ko, basta masarap sa gabi, tara, gusto ko mag pagabi. Kung mamamatay ako, gusto ko sa gabi, sa malawak na lugar na kita ko ang madaming liwanag at dinig ko ang mga ingay, pero walang nakakakita sa akin, di ako nakikitang ngumiti para mag-paalam sa pinakamamahal kong kadiliman.

Mahiwaga

12 November 2008

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Gagawa ako ng Mahiwaga.

ha?

Mahiwaga.

Maghihiwa ka ng baga?

Hinde, tanga. Mahiwaga.

Anong ibig mo sabihin?

Ano ba sa'yo ang mahiwaga?

Bakit ako na ang tinatanong mo?

Wala naman pinagkaiba iyon, kung ikaw man o ako ang magtanong.

 

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Magiging mahiwaga.

Ayan ka nanaman e.

Hinde, ayan ka nanaman.

Ikaw ang nagsimula.

Ako nga ba? O Ikaw? May pinagkaiba pa ba?

 

Hoy.

Bakit?

Alam ko na ang ibig mong sabihin.

Hiwaga?

Mahiwaga.

O.

Pagtataka, pagtataka sa lahat, pagtatanong. Pagdanas ng pagkahiwaga sa lahat ng bagay. Sa lahat ng oras, o natitirang oras, ay makita ang mundo at hindi maintindihang kagandahan nito, o kapangitan nito. Pero...

Pero walang pagnanais o pangangailangan ng pag intindi.

Oo.

Iyan ba ang ibig ko sabihin?

Hindi mo alam?

Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo?

 

Ano ba?

Anong ano ba?

Gusto ko gumawa ng Hiwaga.

Mahiwaga.

Oo, kung ano man iyon.

Bakit?

Huling araw na ng buhay ko.

Idiniklera mo o idiniklera sa iyo?

May pinagkaiba ba iyon?

Oo.

Kung ganoon edi idiniklera ko.

Ah, kung ganoon edi gagawa na din ako.

Bakit? Ginagaya mo ako?

Ikaw, ginagaya mo ako?

Sino ka ba?

Hindi ba malaking kahangalan ang tanong mong 'yan?

Ha?

Dapat ka na ngang mamatay.

Ano?

Hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mong mukha.

ZORRO: Last Part ng Kom2 paper ko Tungkol kay Dennis Magtajas

15 September 2008

Si Zorro, isang lalaking pinili mag maskara kaysa iharap ang sariling mukha sa lipunang kanyang ginagalawan. Piniling maging bayani at tagapagtanggol ng mga taong nakikita siya bilang api at kawawa. Hindi nagawa ng pananaliksik na tanggalin ang maskara niya, nagawa lamang nating talagang tignan si Zorro, si Dennis, at hindi lang basta daanan ng mga mata.

Hindi ba ang kanyang mismong kwento, kilos, anyo ay metapora na ng parehong kinang at dungis ng lipunan natin sa UP? Ang watawat na suot bagamat bawal na metapora ng nasyonalismong militante na mayroon ang aktibistang taga-UP, suot niya sa bawat minutong naaalala natin sa kanya. Ang dungis n’ya at dunong na tila nagiging simbulo ng mag-aaral na may dunong ngunit tinatago sa civilian clothing na parang wala lang at tsinelas na pinanglalakad sa kalakhan ng kampus, nangingitim na sa araw sa ngalan ng pag-aaral. Ang pagtakbo n’ya sa isang oval na tila sumasalamin sa pag-uulit-ulit ng buhay estyudante, na sa dulo ay pipilas ka din sa pag-ikot sa oval at dadaan na sa ibang daan.

Hindi naman yata talaga kelangan mahubad ang maskara ni Zorro, wala rin namang kakayahan o karapatan ang mananaliksik na sagutin ang tanong na “bakit s’ya ganoon?”. Pero tagumpay pa rin sa pinaka silbi ng papel na ito, ang mabigyang pangalan ang mukha na lagi nakatago, at ang tao sa likod ng maskara.

DelaYed 1 (very late birthday gift)

25 July 2008

I remember math 11, she borrowed my newspapers then, I don't know what kind of small talk happened but I knew it did happen. Those were my emo days, maybe loner days, so I enjoyed the small talk. I then kept buying newspapers just to have a reason to talk to someone, anyone, it was her back then, lucky me. To tell you the truth I barely know her name back then, I do have my way of talking to people without ever having to say their names, I'm bad with names. But I knew her, in a way.

I remember Hapon 10 too, up to room 424 Always the early bird, I was usually the first one up, she was usually the next one. We would have small talk, sometimes serious talk, about the future, about me shifting, about freshman life, about her difficulties and problems. She trusted me with serious stuff even if we barely knew each other, ask my opinion. I gave whatever I could draw from my 'straight-from-highschool' idealistic mind. I did feel it then, the trait we all now know to be synonymous to her name, Neurotic, nuerotic about Hapon 10, while I was delinquent. Sometimes, when the laziness gene acts up in me, I'd still manage to go up to 424, just hoping for a conversation, she never disappointed. Those were first sem days, and I was already delayed, in a different sense.

Psych 101 was a fluke, she was there, but I barely spoke to her (or anyone, for that matter), maybe being alone bit me, hard. I knew nothing of my Delayedness, perhaps by this time, many others are Delayed. Tinek and Jammin for sure, severe cases, much like mine.

It is difficult not to be Delayed, it's like an infection, no more like cancer, the predisposition to be Delayed is there, lots of the things you do contribute to it, eventually you will be Delayed, especially when you're exposed to a Delay, in this case, Roxanne Delay. Psychology tells me it may be a disorder, if it was only me I'd think it is, but there are many of us, with all our different genes.

How quickly we can remember, just a few months after the last time I saw her, she was there again, Psych 150, MPs 10, this is no fluke, I am again Delayaed, perhaps forever. Yes, I am delayed and I am Delayed, the former gives me stress, the latter eustress, I don't know what life could've been otherwise.

 

 

Note:

To Lianne, part 2 is your turn.

Pwede Ka na MagTanong

19 June 2008

Hindi ito magiging vague na log (at least hindi masyado). Kahit isang beses lang gusto ko mag sulat ng log na wala masyadong sinasadyang vagueness. Noong isang araw (martes) ay nagkatanungan sa may lib, dahil sa parang joke time na Go Fish islash Truth or Consequence, wala namang gusto mag consequence, puro bull lang din naman ang tanong, pero may nagtanong, at may sumagot. Ano man ang mga sagot na iyon ay tinanggap na na totoo. Siguro dahil pinipiga ang kamay, siguro dahil gusto mo rin lang naman sabihin yung sagot wala lang nagtatanong.

Sa totoo lang, gusto ko matanong! Gusto ko maipit (figuratively)! Gusto ko sumagot ng tanong sa ideyang wla akong choice kundi sagutin (kahit gusto ko rin naman, gusto ko lang pinipilit ako [insert evil laughter]! Ang wirdo, nakanakan ng katimangan ang tanong sa akin (bading yung natanong, oh well) yun ang vague na tanong! Nasagot ko naman yung tanong di ba? Nag-isip lang naman ako.

O sige, next question na, pwede ka na magtanong.

Misery Needs

01 June 2008

I don't know, I feel so pathetic, maybe they're right, perhaps I am too eager. Maybe if I sit it out it'll leave on its own, maybe the eagerness and the longing would wear off. Maybe the envy and bitterness would go too, you never know.

I know one thing, I shouldn't have clicked that link, I knew I'd just feel pathetic, I didn't expect to what though, I just had a premonition of a pathetic feeling not knowing the type of shit that would be causing it. They say misery loves company, maybe its because the absence of company is the cause of misery, I don't know, I even sound pathetic.

[ ha! i love remaining slightly vague, almost obvious when it comes to blogs about this shit. Now, this is what you call selfish writing.]

So its clear to me now that I don't really feel the feeling I thought I felt. I just felt like feeling the feeling I thought I felt. It was stupid I even felt like feeling that feeling I thought I felt, its jsut stupid.

[now i'm freakingly afraid I'm not being vague enough.]

I just realized the stupidity now, even if I was already told that it was stupid. I just realized it now, and it is, stupid that is. I know its only fruit of my eagerness and I proved that when I got fucking bitter that I was so much a fucking miser and other people aren't.

Geez, and a few days ago i thought I was growing up, I'm still acting and talking like a friggin kid. All this wanting and shit makes me feel even more pathetic (realizing that I am pathetic is bad for my health). Why the hell am I so fucking eager? I don't get it! Why am I wanting this kind of shit? I don't need this shit to live (phsiologically anyway). I've lived eighteen years without it and I'm here. Maybe I can get a few years pass the ravine, maybe even get a decent length of life without it, I need to cool it, really.

There are other forms of misericide other than that I'm so eager for, there's the form of misericide I just found out about about a few months before this multiply site was born, there's the misericide I had since birth that I am in need of supplements for, there's the misericide of not using misericide, but I'm not using that, I haven't used misericide for years and look at me, blogging, so pathetic.

[ ah, symbolisms and inventing new words, perfect cure to almost becoming too obvious.]

You know what I really want? For people to actually understand this blog entry. For somebody out there to give me something I'd have some use for. Because even if I did realize that my words do need filters now, i still buy the filters that filter least.

SOMEBODY PLEASE WORKHARD, BREAK MY SHEILD, FIND OUT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, CATCH ME OFF GUARD, TAKE ME TO THE STREETS, REVEAL ME, NAKES TO THE WORLD, HELP ME, RID ME OFF IT.

Misey loves company.

Mabilis na Update sa Nangyayari sa Buhay ko at sa ibang tao na Gusto ko Ikwento

23 May 2008

• tapos na summer, dahil hindi ko pa sinipagan ang math1 ay dos lang ang nakuha ko
• di pa ako shifted
• dumadami nanaman ang unfinished works sa kwarto ko
• dumadami nanaman ang unfinished works sa PC, kasama na ang freshie kit ng saligan
• Pinalayas na ng tita ko si kuya sa bahay
• buntis ang gelpren ng kuya ko, sabi ng kuya ko sya ang ama, ewan ko lang
• lalaki ang anak.
• may gelpren na si Anselmo, maganda
• may anak na si Siobe, di ko pa nakikita
• bibilhan ako ni mama ng lappy-tappy, di ko pa alam kung kelan,
• marunong na ako mag cart-wheel
• joke lang
• buhay na naman ang prendster ko
• natalo ang red bull kanina, 7-4 na standing namin shared lead sa coke at TNT
• walang kwenta parin ang Purefoods
• late na ako natutulog ngayon kasi late na ako nakakahiga
• kumakain na ako ng gulay
• pwera joke
• tinatamad ako mag blog kaya ganito ginagawa ko
• yosi muna ako...

EXCLUSIVE TRIBUTE:100 somethingenth Blog Entry, Kelangan mo basahin ito, Pramis.

05 May 2008

Sa kasamaang palad hindi ko napansin na umabot na pala ako sa ika-100 ko na blog entry (tanong: bakit kapag tinayp ko ang "100" ay binabasa ito kadalasan bilang one hundred at hindi isandaan?) at nanghinayang ako, sana man lang ay nagawa kong eventful ang ika 100 kong blog entry, kaya bilang bawi ay gagawa ako ng konting review ng buhay ng blog ko na ito, itong multiply lang ha? Hindi counted yung mga secret at semi-secret blogs ko sa ibang blog site (grabe na ang pagka loser ko, andami kong blog). Marahil bilang simula tama lamang na sagutin ang katanungan na...

SINO BANG MAY KASALANAN NG LAHAT NG ITO?!

Paborito kong sinisisi si Ser Jun dito (refer to previous blog entries para mapurbahan ang pagsamba ko sa Taong ito, kahit tignan nyo na lang fron page ko), kasi sinabi n'ya sa klase namin noon "Blogging is a community of non-writers" (or something like that [wow, english]) mga nagpapanggap na writer na kinokomentan ng ibang nagpapanggap din na kritiko, yuckerboat... kadiri to tha maximum extent of the definition of the word kadiri (may mali dyan sa sentence na yan somwhere). Ayon, matapos nya sabihin yuon ay sinabi nyang mag blog kami (parang, baka naman inisip ko lang na sinabi n'ya), walangjo, lakas ng tama, pero dahil masugid akong apostol ay sinunod ko ang utos JunCruz Christ (BLASPHEMY!!! BURN IN HELL ANGELES-SAN!!!).

Kasalanan din ito ng mga TAE, alam nyo kung sino kayo, mga hayup kayo. Isang self-proclaimed psychotic, isang reyna ng letra sa gitna ng M at O (na ngayon ay level 68 Trance na sa RO, umilaw na kasi sya sa pagiging high priest nya, baka nga hindi na sya 68 e), at isang master ng taijutsu. Kung di kayo... heniwey baka nga hindi nyo pa mababasa ito kasi ngayon mas masipag na ako mag-blog sa kanila at abala sila sa O2 Jam at Ragnarok.

Sumunod na gusto kong talakayin ay kung ano ba ang pinag baBlog ko dito.

Ang unang-una kong blog entry ay tungkol sa dalawang butete na nahuli ni Tinek sa imburnal at nilagay ko sa bibig ko sa halagang isangdaang piso (kakain din ako ng papel kahit walang bayad, bigyan nyo lang ako ng papel). Sumunod ay nabaha ko na ito ng mga tula ko na marahil hindi ko na mapapapublish dahil previously published na sya in the internet via this blog. Dito ko din nilagay ang isa sa mga una kong lehitimong short story, ang aking favorite na Jammin Tanioka Series, eto yung links oh three parts yun eh, favorite entry yata ng marami ang journal entry number 14:

http://estongdakila.multiply.com/journal/item/13

http://estongdakila.multiply.com/journal/item/14

http://estongdakila.multiply.com/journal/item/15

ang shortest blog entry ko ay yung "Si Joan" ang longest (dahil sa dami ng nakasulat) yata ay "The Shoplifter in the Rye" na kasama sa mga kwentong pinasa ko noon kay Ser Jun. Ang longest naman dahil lang sa mahaba sya talaga ay yung "Lethargy", wala namang laman, lethargy lang. Madami din pala akong pagtatangka sa fiction sa aking mga blog entry. Sa blog ko lang din unang nailabas ang lab leter na ayoko talaga naman dapat ilabas, hanapin mo na lang.

Meron din akong mga pinagsisisihang blog na nailagay, ay, isa lang yata. Pero mabibitin kayo dito dahil hindi ko ikukwento at hindi mo na makikita kasi dinelete ko na.

Madami pang details na pwede akong ikwento tungkol sa mga blog ko, kaya nga umabot ng isandaan e, pero hindi ko na ikukwento, ine-encourage ko lang kayo na bisitahin ang journal ko, go guys! Salamat!

PP17: Willie Revillame Song Analysis

04 May 2008

Gusto ko lang naman malaman mo
Na ang isipan ko’y gulong-gulo
Nagtatanong kung susundan ko sya
Dahil ang puso ko ay nabihag nya

Alam mo bang minamahal ko sya
At tunay ang aking nadarama
Kahit ako’y nagmumukhang tanga
Ay ayos lang basta kasama sya

Kahit sabihin pa nang iba
Nababaliw akong talaga
Kahit mayroong ibang nagchacha-cha
Nagru-rumba, nagsa-salsa.

Pwede bang sabihin nyo to sa kanya
Ang puso ko’y nahihirapan na
Ano pa ba ang pwede kong gawin
Nau-ubra para maakit sya

Refrain:

Palagay kaya ako ng tato,
Magpatubo ng balbas sa nguso,
Magpalaki ng masel sa braso,
Magpadagdag ng pwet kay Belo

Chorus:

Buksan mo, papasukin ako
Bulaklak para sayo
Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko para mahalin mo

Buksan mo, papasukin mo na,
May tsokolateng dala
Bigyan mo naman ng pag-asa ang puso ko sinta.

Alam mo bang walang kasing saya
Sa tuwing ika’y akin nakikita
Ngunit malaki din ang problema
Dahil hanggang ngayon sayo’y umaasa

Lagi nalang akong naghihintay
Ngunit iba lagi mong kasabay
Kahit madalas kang sumasablay
Ako sayo’y nka i-smile

Repeat: Chorus

Repeat: Refrain

Repeat: Chorus(2X)

Bigyan mo naman ng pag-asa ang puso ko sinta
Bigyan mo naman ng pag-asa ang puso ko sinta
Sabihin mo na ang totoong may mahal kang iba.!

 

Analysis:

Tulad ng madaming ibang kinanta ni Willie Revillame at sinulat ni Lito Camo, hindi ito straight-forward na love song. Marahil maaari kong sabihing nauna pa siguro naisip ang title at chorus bago nabuo ang kantang pinaligid dito pero circumstantial evidence lang ang meron ako kumbaga.

Sa refrain ay nabanggit ang mga naiisip n'yang baguhin sa sarili para matipuhan ng nililigawan ang mga ito ay mga stereotypical na tatak ng machong pinoy (bukod na lamang sa pagpapadag-dag ng pwet kay Belo na pop culture reference at western na ideya ng plastic surgery), representasyon ng patriarchal macho image.

Ang ideya din ng pangliligaw na sa isang banda ay pagbibigay ng lakas at karapatan sa babae ay binuo parin sa patriarchal na lipunan. Nandito rin ang medyo anti-female na ideya na nagpapa-asa ng lalaking manliligaw.