The Right Kind of Famous

02 January 2013

I want to be famous.

Who doesn't want to be famous? Perhaps people under the witness protection program. Me, I want to be famous like nobody else has ever become. I want to be famous for everything I have ever done and anything I will ever do. Even buying groceries. I want people to be like "Oh my god! Ernest Angeles buys San Miguel Beer, Chicken, and Fried Chicken breading! Then he rents Die Hard! I totally eat beer and eat fried chicken while watching Bruce Willis action movies too!"

I don't want to be just any famous guy. I have listed down four qualities I want my kind of fame to have.

First, I want it to be Big. I want everybody to know my name and my face. I would be walking into a train station and all CCTV cameras would suddenly point to me. My face would be in billboards across EDSA and the North Luzon Expressway. I would be endorsing everything. Even feminine wash. It would be like "Ernie Angeles likes your vagina to smell like MAYAMAN Feminine wash, now with formaldehyde!" and people would buy it, even men would but it. I want there to be action figures of me and toy geeks would be like "Yeah, the new Hasbro Ernie Angeles release is pretty cool, it even comes with a computer chair stand and different wig attachments but I still like the v1 release, the face was more realistic and they used better material." I want people to know me so much that figures of speech have been made about me like "He ernie-d the pavement." which would mean he drank lots of beer or something. I want my name and my face to be everywhere.

Next, I want it to be Lasting. I don't want to be just a fad. I want to be famous like Shakespeare! After the initial attention has died down people will start studying my life and work in schools. There would be chapters in history books entitled "From the Early Post-Modern period to the Rise of Ernie". Hundreds of years after my death, preschoolers will be making dioramas from scenes of my life. Kids will be like "Yeah, this is called the Redefinition of Awesomeness." and other kids would go "Dude, everybody does Redefinition of Awesomeness dioramas, mine is The Mastering of Megalodons." School buildings will be named after me, I would be in every currency of every country. People would name their children after me and people would be like "Dude, that's a cool name."

Thirdly, I want it to be Annoying. I want to be so famous that I would regret being famous. I want to come to a point in my life where I could say to people that "Yeah, fame isn't everything it's hyped up to be. It's fucking annoying." I want to have to buy a new car and house every week because people keep finding out where I live and shouting outside holding up signs saying how much they love me. I want to not be able to watch a TV show without a mention of my name or seeing my face in the commercials and I would just cut-off all connection to the outside world because there is too much of me. I want to have to have a personal chef and personal farm because all the food packaging in grocery stores has my name or face on it and it sickens me. I want to be so famous that I will want to time travel and beat myself up at this moment of my life that I made this blog post and shout "YOU HAVE NO IDEA! YOU CURSED ME! YOU CURSED US! YOU CURSED FUTURE YOU. YOU FOOL!"

Lastly, I want my fame to be Significant. I don't want to be famous for something stupid like a youtube video or saying "Lady Arwen, we cannot delay." I want to be famous for world changing shit. Like I wrote a book or something and people were like "OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE BEST THING WRITTEN EVER. THE WORLD HAS TO CHANGE TO MAKE IT WORTHY TO BE WHAT CONTAINS THIS BOOK," or something similar. I want people to cry so much in my wake that the sea level would rise. I to be so significant that my grave would always have visitors, every fucking day. The visitors would bring their children to my grave and say things like "Back in my day, we used to worry a lot. We used to have war and lots of unnecessary violence. evil, sadness and bad stuff. This man, this man made sure you won't have that." Yeah, I want the thought of me to bring tears to people's eyes, even those who never actually met me.

Yeah, Big, Lasting, Annoying, Significant, that's the kind of fame I want.
I want to be even more famous than god.
In short, I want to be BLAS Famous.
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BLASFAMOUS! Get it? HAHAHAHAHA! I'm a fucking genius.
Yeah the whole thing was  a lead up to that. It was wonderful. Feel free to ignore everything else except the joke. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah crap, I'm funny.

Woooh, HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Blasfamous, still can't stop laughing.

The God Question

30 October 2010

Being raised in the environment I have been, it's hard not to believe in a supreme being that is out there,  a god if you will. But I must say that I cannot believe he actually gives a crap about what we do with our lives.

I can't live my life according to the teachings of some group of elders interpreting some book that was written by people who lived in places and times that are that different to mine. If I'm gonna live a life I must live according to multiple books, all books if possible. Not according to some code of rights and wrong but to the just and fair I learn a long the way.

My life is my bible, the world is my prophet, and I am my own messiah.

May alam ka ba?

18 March 2010

Indiana Jones and the Room of the PackRat GeekBum!

16 February 2010

Geez, I just realized how much stuff I have lying around. I actually fear snakes might be living under my bed. Boxes upon boxes of books and sheets of paper and old notebooks and documents and photocopied readings and doodles and manuals and magazines and comics and stuff. Not to mention my toys and art tools and CDs and DVDs and dirty cotton buds and bloody laundry. Now there are cables and cords for the scanner, chargers for my handhelds, old game catridges, packs of cards, beer bottles, posters, old bags, a remote controlled car, old lamps, boxes with unknown content, empty cigarette boxes, robot exoskeletons, dead prostitutes, and the Holy Grail.

I do try to get stuff organized. Every time I do, I get sneezing fits and itch all over because I am allergic to dust (considering the amount of dust in my room, I should be dead by now). That is part of the reason that most of the stuff are in boxes and in drawers now (my only cabinet is reserved for clothes and I do not have shelves). I try my best to throw stuff out whenever I clean up, but the problem is the "throw-out" box, always end up being declared "Hey-I-could-use-this-for-some-crafts" box or "this-stuff-will-be-interesting-to-read-one-day" box and the like.

I would like to finish this blog entry and stuff, but I'm kinda in the middle of trying to organize and failing miserably at it, so there you go.

Senses

03 February 2010

I wish we can turn off our senses.

I wish I can choose to not hear, not feel. I wish I could be there but not know it.

I always wish I cannot feel, the world I move around in is a jungle of stimulus that mauls each of my senses like mobs. I am left beaten from the moment I can no longer pretend to be asleep to the instance life grants my wish that I be numbed and fall asleep. The pain I bear is so that I forget to wish for my dreams to not hold the pain in them. If at all, remove all my senses, may no more come to this consciousness of mine, if I shall still live let me then be a shadow awaiting death. If you cannot take from me all that binds me to this reality then by the very least take my hearing. For I can always close my eyes, but my ears are cursed to always hear the words spoken to me by she who means to hurt, amen.

My name is Jun Palma, and I am not alone in the confines of my room. I share the space with fear, hate, anger, sadness. I share my room with the recurring words from a creature known to my soul only as the bringer of pain. I am not alone and I have never felt so weak.

Hate, if I have to left with only one thing, let it be the hate. My Hate.

I'm no Genius, I'm no Activist, but I'm Not Enough of an Idiot to Not Say Something.

18 November 2009

Do you know these names? Noynoy Aquino? Of course, how abot Kris Aquino? Hell yeah, the Cojuangcos? It seems stupid to ask. How about these names: Jun David? No? Boy Verzola? Never heard? Neng Manalo? Random people you say? Nah, These are just the names of some of the farmers killed at the Hacienda Luisita Massacre. Yeah, doesn't really matter, does it? They don't affect your lives, they do their farming, they fertilize land with blood, the Cojuangcos live their nice and easy lives and you don't give a shit.

It's funny how easy we judge the villains in soap operas when we can't see the bad guys in real life.

Sure, Noynoy may not have ordered that massacre. Yeah, I AM judging him by his genetics. I want to know something from this Presidential Candidate, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? Prove to me that you won't let your family influence you, prove to me what you can do for the farmers, point the finger on who actually is responsible for those deaths and that injustice and actually do something about it. All you did so far was blab on the newspapers that you want the Hacienda Luisita Lands to be given to them farmers, do something about it motherfucker.

Right now, it aint your fault. You let this slide and it will be.

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A few months ago, actually maybe even less than that, Legarda was accusing Villar of corruption on the C-5 road project. I definitely think that Legarda was just doing that to catch attention because her "climate change lady" image just isn't selling (if you don't remember, I don't blame you, she also used to be "poverty lady" and "social injustice lady"). That didn't work out quite well for her as well since she ended up sounding like Jamby Madrigal, and who the fuck would want to sound like a cam-whore? So scrap that, she goes into the "I-don't-want-to-talk-about-politics-I-want-to-focus-on-climate-change" mode, (she actually said those words) WHILE everybody is talking about Presidential aspirations, oh c'mon. That sounds so Presidentiable, I hate you Legarda.

And now, she's running with Villar as his Vice-Presidential candidate. Not that it was surprising, it was funny and annoying as hell. Now who  the fuck is telling the truth the whole time? We all know that Manny Villar went corrupt in that project, I just want somebody punished for corruption once in a while in this country. C'mon! The question I want to ask and I want to hear a goddamn straight answer from both of them WHO THE FUCK WAS TELLING THE TRUTH? Because if Villar was teling the truth that he didn't go corrupt on that project then Legarda was making baseless accusations and she's a liar who just wants some attention at the expense of a fellow senator.if LEGARDA was telling the truth then what the hell is Villar doing running for president? You want to give him MORE power?

I like Villar for pete's sake, he was the original rags to bureaucrat capitalist story. I just don't want him running the country, I'm fucking scared.

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What the fuck can I say about Bayani Fernando that hasn't been said already? He can't even fix Marikina, you expect him to fix a country? He think trees are like street lights you can pull out and replant. God bless the Ateneans wanting to pull up a "we love the environment" image for not letting Bayani Pull out the trees at Katipunan. He's a wonderful engineer, sure, he has great ideas sometimes but he can't solve all the problems, he can solve very specific type of problems that cover his field of knowledge. He isn't stupid, he's fucking ignorant of all the other things. He thinks the reason his methodologies aren't working is because we don't know how to follow the rules, Motherfucking idiot, does he even drive around Metro Manila? I want him to drive around Metro Manila every god condemned day of his life to see what kind of messed up things he comes up with and how it messes up everything else.

By the way, Pink and Blue is just a fucking ugly color for the streets, mix it with all that black from soot and its disgustingly ugly. Paint it silver or something, paint it Yellow, Paint it beige, blend to the street colors, just don't paint it fucking ugly blue and pink you idiot.

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I don't blame many people for liking Chiz Escudero, the guy is charismatic, he talks the talk, he talks quite a lot actually, and he actually thinks he's the Obama here, he's a fucking corrupt idiot.

I grew up surrounded by Sorsogon Politics, I know what Chiz has been doing all the time he was Representative of Sorsogon, effin' nothin'. He was too busy being a noisy young congressman from Bicol during the impeachment trials. He was busy being the so-called good-looking senator. He was too busy sounding smart and pretending to be smart to actually be smart. He's an overrated, overexposed motherfucker who talks too much.

YOUNG PEOPLE! Knock-knock! Chiz Escudero cannot save your country, he is another Feudal raised, corrupt son of a bitch. It just disgusts me that they even let him speak, everything he says is so written down on a piece of paper and memorized before he actually says it on cam. Geez, how I wish I could talk about everything he's been doing and the stuff he's been saying, and all that stuff but I promised my family I wouldn't. So I'll just say shut up Chiz.

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When I told my mom that Erap is running for President I did it via Yahoo! Messenger since she's out of the country, all she could reply was "OMG."

Geez, constitutional loopholes! We are going to allow somebody who is actually guilty of corruption to run for President? A womanizer, prolific gambler, corrupt motherfucker? Are we that stupid? Do we have absolutely no respect for our constitution or ourselves? THE GUY WAS CONVICTED GUILTY. G-U-I-L-T-Y. He is out on PARDON. PRESIDENTIAL PARDON. The guy's a convict for taking money of the taxes WE paid that could've been used to feed our families. The guy's convicted for protecting illegal gambling activity in the country, what the fuck else do you want to hear?

PLEASE! Joseph Estrada can't even respect  a little deal he signed for his pardon. "NO RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE" or even "THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY", how the hell do you expect him to follow law like "Don't steal from your country ass-hole"?

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This is going to be one really retarded elections. With all this stupidity I would make you want to NOT vote. But fuckers that's the only thing we have to do in this Democracy. I fucking hope we choose the right one.

Nauubos nga Kaya?

11 November 2009

(oo, yan talaga ang title n'yan, hindi yan inagaw sa mga linya sa Katorse kahit na parang magkasing korni)

Paano kaya kung ang pagmamahal e nauubos. Yung tipo bang me stock ng pag-ibig sa puso mo, tapos kapag naubos na e wala na, di mo na kaya magmahal. Kahit anong pilit mo, di na kakagat ulit tulad ng dati.

Naisip ko lang naman kasi hindi ako sanay ng hindi ako inlab, taena komedya. Lagi akong inlab e, kung kanikanino, apaka bilis ko mainlab. May mga resurgence-resurgence pang nalalaman ang puso't damdamin ng bwakanang inang pakshet, tipo bang maiinlab pa ulit sa nainlaban na nya dati kahit hindi na naman sya inlab dun for quite some time. Inisip ko tuloy, sa dami ba ng nainlaban ko (taena, anong salita yan? nainlaban ampotah) e naubos na ba yung stock ko, di na kaya? Napamigay na lahat (kahit di nila lahat alam na nakakatanggap sila), ubos na, sa kabilang bahay na lang kayo mag trick or treat kasi di na kaya mamigay ng kendi ng mokong na to, 1 week old na pandesal na lang ang natitira, bonus na yung palamang ipis.

Inisip ko din, sakali ngang nauubos yung stock ng pag-ibig, parepareho kaya tayo ng dami ng pag-ibig? Baka merong mga sumisirit na sa puso nila yung pag-ibig, dyuskopoandame, tapos meron ding yung perslab nya na kaklasmeyt nyang tinuruan sya magtali ng sintas nung greyd tu lang ang kaya nyang maalayan ng pag-ibig, pagkatapos nun serial killer na s'ya. Halata naman kasing iba-iba tayo ng paraan ng paglustay sa pag-ibig na meron tayong naka stock, haypotetikali. Halimbawa nga ako, para akong bagitong bumberong perstaym humawak ng hose na sobrang lakas ng bugso ng tubig, edi kung sino-sino na nababasa, alang direksyon ampotah. Meron namang parang Kongresman, karamihan ng pork barrel e sa kanya lang. Papatayo lang s'ya isang put brids.

Tsaka, paano kay kinokompyut yun? Ibig ko sabihin, yung mga paraan ng pagpapakita ng pag-ibig may corresponding value ayon sa kung gaano kadaming pag-ibig ang kelangan i-alay. Siguro magastos yung magsimula ng bagong lab, kaya siguro ubos kaagad yung sa akin, bigay lang ako ng bigay e, walang maintenance.

Pero baka naman narereplenish, pede mag reload. Halimbawa nood ka ng mga pelikula ni John Lloyd e me sapat na bala ka na para mainlab ulit. O kaya may pace din ng pagreplenish, tapos depende ulit sa tao, ang jologs pero ang astig atdaseymtaym! Kelangan ko talaga malaman kung paano na rereplenish kung sakasakali, kasi kanina pinipilit kong mainlab ulit ayaw talaga, parang alam kong dapat naiinlab na ako, pero di sumusunod ang puso sa dinidikta ng isipan. Wala na daw kayang ibigay e, yata, di ko pa naman talaga nadidinig magsalita ang puso ko, bingi ako sa mga hiling ng damdamin, nakanatutsa, nakakadiring linya!

Pero syempre, haypotetikal lang nga, malay mo eklat ko lang to tapos di naman pala totoo, wala lang. Mali yung hula ko, tapos maya-maya naiinlab na ulit ako. Baka napapagod lang ang puso pero di nauubusan, naks, kanina pa ako bumabanat ng korning linya, ang korni-korni ko na, Walang wenta pa tong entry na to, halo-halong kagaguhan, kakornihan, kadramahan, malalim na linya, makekesong eklavu, nakakabanas na banat at jumbo blender na writing style pa ang gamit. Korni-korni ko talaga, ang wirdo lang kasi kapag hindi ka inlab.

Mga Matitinding Pagsubok sa Buhay Series: Pagpili Ng Brief

01 June 2009

Akala mo ba madali? Malaking event sa buhay ko tuwing pipili ako ng brief na isusuot ko.

Nakakategorya ang mga brief sa tatlo; Briefs, boxer briefs, at boxers.

Sa ilalim ng Briefs ay nanduon ang Black, Gray, at Blue na comfortable briefs at ang traditional Tighty-Whities (self-explanatory na siguro kung bakit ganun ang nickname nun). Ang Tighty-Whitie ang pinaka marami kong brief. At meron talaga akong isang pulang brief, for special occasions.

Sa ilalim ng Boxer Briefs ay nanduon ang Black (dalawa lang ang Boxer Brief ko na black), at ang mga Puti (tatlo lang ata yung ganito ko). Sa hindi nakaka-alam ang boxer brief ay brief na mahaba, yung tipong lalagpas naman sa singit.

Sa Boxers naman ay mas madali ang classes, hindi by kulay kundi by quality, yung butas at yung hindi butas. Pare-pareho naman kasing Checkered ang Boxers ko, iba-iba lang kulay, although may isa akong Scooby-doo na boxers.

Okey, ang pinaka komportable sa lahat ay ang mga Boxer Briefs, sa kasamaang palad, kakaunti lang ang ganito ko, madalas kasi ay hindi ko mahanap sa kalaliman ng mala-ukay-ukay kong kabinet. Ganoon pa man, may isang itim na boxer brief na hindi ko isusuot unless wala talagang ibang boxer briefs na mamataan. Hindi kasi ito komportable at nagiipit ang legs ko, pumipilipit hanggang singit, it's a wrong.

Sumunod ay ang Briefs, mas madalas ako mag-brief kesa kahit ano pa man kasi yun ang pinaka madaling makita. Safe-option kumbaga, okey lang, at lumawlaw man ang pantalon ko okey lang kasi normally yung dark colors na brief ang suot ko.Nag-susuot lang ako ng puti kapag wala akong choice (tinamad ako maglaba) o naka-maong naman ako at sigurado akong hindi lalawlaw.

Ayoko talaga ng boxers, dati nung hayskul gusto ko yung boxers pero ngayon ayoko na. Feeling ko nakahubo ako at kumakalembang ang mga bayag ko. Nararamdaman ko din pag pinagpapawisan na ako duon. Hindi naman ako kasi ang bumili ng boxers ko, binili lang ng family.

Meron yan, special considerations for special events, meron din akong lucky underwear, yung gray ko na boxer briefs (na nawawala), hindi ko na ginagamit kasi nabutas dahil sa zonrox.

Mahabang usapan pa ito, pero mula naman siguro d'yan, mapapansin n'yo na pinag-iisipan ko talaga ang bawat bagay na gagawin ko sa buhay ko, hanggang sa brief.

Hanapan Batman

17 May 2009

(ginawa ko ito para sa Arkiyoloji 1, Salamat sa insipirasyon at kaalaman Prof. Paz)

 

Dahil nasa Quezon City Tayo: Ang Huling Icon

Nagpunta ako ng National Museum, nag-ikot ikot at naghanap ng kainspire-inspire na mga bagay. Syanga at napakaraming nakamamangha, nakaliligalig at ‘di kapanipaniwalang bagay sa loob ng museo, ngunit sa kasamaang palad wala sa milyun-milyong ideyang nabuo ko sa aking pag-iikot iikot ang aking huling sanaysay, ito’y isang huling pagtatangka na sa wakas makuha na ang pag gamit ng mga material na bagay bilang icon, yun lang naman siguro ang epekto ng pagsesenti kong ginawa habang nag-iisang nakatanga sa Luneta.

Ano ang bente? Sa Pilipinong konteksto, ito ay katumbas ng dalawampu, pero kadalasan ay ginagamit ang salitang ‘bente’ para tumukoy sa halagang dalawampung piso, sa bente pesos, sa papel na kahel na may mukha ni Manuel.  Ang perang ito ang pinakamaliit na na halagang pera na nasa papel pa, iyan ay kung di mo na binibilang yung mangilan-ngilang sampung pisong papel na nag-eexist pa. Hindi na siguro nalalayo ang panahon na pagkakasyahin na din ang mukha ni Manuel Quezon sa barya, magiging sideview pa, at mawawalan na ng basehan ang darating na kabataan sa kung ano ba ang itsura ng tinitirahan ng president nila. Sabi ay sinasabay lang naman ang pera sa buying power nito, aba, malakas pa ang buying power ng bente, sa tingin ko hangga’t sapat ka pa para pambili ng pananghalian ay ‘di ka pa pwede maging barya.

Bakit nga ba may mukha ang mga pera? Tulad din ba ito ng ginagawa ng mga illustrado na marka nila ng antas nila sa lipunan kaya naipapapinta na ang sarili? Oo at hindi, oo dahil tulad ng mga ilustrado mga matataas ang antas nila sa lipunan natin, politikal man o moral o, huwad man o tunay. Hindi dahil hindi naman nila pinili ipapinta ang sarili sa pera, bukod sa kaso ng dalawangdaang piso ang nag-iisang pera sa Pilipinas na nakapinta dun ang kasalukuyang presidente, ‘yun, malamang vanity nga ‘yun. Pininta sila dun, ginawa silang mascot ng pera dahil tingin ng lipunan (o ng Bangko Sentral) na importante sila, ilagay sa pedestal, importante ka, ilagay ka sa pera.

Sino ba talaga ang namimili kung sino ang importante? Lipunan ba? Ang mamamayan ba? Importante daw na matuto ang mga kabataan ng Ingles, importante nga ba? Siguro dahil ang natitira na lang na trabaho sa Pilipinas ay call center agent at pagiging OFW (na hindi naman pala trabaho sa Pilipinas) kaya importante, pero dahil kulang-kulang sa kalahati ng populasyon sa Pilipinas ay agrikultural pa rin ang pamumuhay, iniinglis mo pa ba talaga ang tindero ng abono? Sa mata siguro ng madaming Pilipino na wala sa Metro Manila ay hindi na nila kailangan ng Ingles para mabuhay, at yun na lang naman ang gusto ng lahat mang yari ‘di ba? Ang mabuhay.

 Pagkain, Tirahan, at Pananamit kadalasan ang pinaka-simple sa mga pangangailangan ng tao para mabuhay na binabanggit sa TV, kailangan daw ito ng mga evacuees, kaya ipadala natin sa estasyon nila tapos ipapadala naman nila sa kung saan mang sulok ng Pilipinas na ngayon mo lang nalaman na may ganoon palang lugar. Sa pag-usad ng panahon ay nagkakaroon na din ng mga dibersyon sa kung ano ba ang magiging kasali sa listahan ng mga basic needs, halimbawa, basic need na ang TV sa bahay, kailangan mo ng TV, pag wala kang TV mabuburyong ka at magiging gulay, kailangan mong mapanood si Willie Revillame (o ang TVJ, bahala ka kung alin gusto mo) habang nanananghalian ka. Naging basic need na din ang Selpon, kailangan mo ng selpon dahil biglang nagkaroon ng pangangailangan yung mga kamag-anak mo sa malayong lupalop na makausap ka. Basic need din naman ang maligo, mas simple pa ito sa TV at selpon, kung hindi ka naniniwala na basic need ang paliligo, tangkain mong huwag maligo ng matagal-tagal, magsusumigaw na ang mga skin cells mo ng “maligo ka na, maligo ka naaaaa...” . Ito, itong mga umuunlad na bagay na nagiging pangangailangan kahit hindi naman talaga (pwede ka naman mabuhay ng ‘di ka naliligo, makakapatay ka nga lang ng kapwa mo) ay ang importanteng pinipili ng mamamayan, ito yung sa tingin ng populasyon ay may mga kwentang bagay.

May karapatan nga ba tayong pumili para sa sarili natin?

 

(T/H)ired

24 April 2009

The headhunters were after me, I dreamed, they ran after me in a mob, and more of them came out of every corner of a distorted version of Emerald Avenue., jumping out of buildings, wearing their suits, and blazers, holding their machetes and flailing a severed head of some Ancient Mayan tribesman. They trapped me in the corner of Commonwealth avenue and Shaw Boulevard (it said so on the street sign), and they jumped at me and ate every bit of flesh in my body, even the severed heads ripped flesh from my bones, and they took my bones and ripped me apart from the joints. They gnawed on my bones, and I could still feel them, I was still alive.

I got a job, and i'll be paid pretty well, I'm not dreaming of getting a car the first few months, but a pair of Tough Jeansmith jeans sound really tempting for first payday.

I waited in the holding area, in my dream, and I sit in a black plastic chair in the middle of a room filled with black plastic chairs exactly the same. On them sit men and women in ties and dress shirts and bussiness shirts and slacks and leather shoes, and blouses and sandals and more shoes. They were faceless and motionless and sat like they were being watched by some divine drill seargeant. The walls were covered in socks, black dress socks, and when I realized this the place a few inches above my ankle hurt, where my dress socks always seem to cut on my skin.  I scratch it and I felt nothing I looked down to see I had no ankles, I had no feet, I had nothing from the knee down, it was already floor, like the floor was rising and erasing everything in it's path.

Do you ever get the feeling while waiting for some person to call you and pretend to be a caller from the UK for you to pretend that your a customer care representative in a pretend company with pretend rates and rules and policies that you are starting to be part of the furniture? It happens sometimes.

I signed the contract, I dreamed, and the HR girl laughed, it started as a giggle, then a laugh, then a hearty laugh, then an evil satanic laugh. She had demonic eyes, and purple skin, and her hair started changing to snakes. She grew claws from her green finger nails, and she grew great big red horns on her forehead and a red pointy tail, she looked like a diseased eggplant person, if not for the flames in the background. She laughs her evil laughs and the piece of paper changed to hadcuffs that was chained to a great metal ball half-buried in the burning steel floor I suddenly was standing on. She was laughing as she told me I had to pull it out of the steel, and I tried, it wouldn't budge, she still laughs and I tried again and again until the steel started to break like soil, and the steel ball broke from the steel soil and rose twenty feet into the air and fell on me. And she laughs some more as I twitched dying under the ball.

Now I have to deal with pre-employment paperwork. Bring it on.

Coffee and Cigarettes

09 April 2009

Decent coffee, I have been telling my aunt that we have to use the coffee maker, I need decent coffee, we all deserve decent coffee.

I always brew a strong brew, they say i waste the beans, but I want coffee, not colored water.

Powdered coffee, its never right, its too weak and feels lacking, too soft, too smooth, I don't know how to describe coffee, I just tell as i taste.

Tell as I taste.

Three sugars please, and no cream, no milk.

I would've had my coffee at those coffee shops, but I don't like sitting surrounded by coffe-poseurs. Drinking their candy-coated, milk-diluted, fancy-named, so-called coffee. It isn't even coffee. And besides, I won't pay that much for that little coffee, coffee has its right to be brewed and drank at a price fit for real people.

On second thought, hold the sugar too.

__________________________________

I haven't chain-smoked for weeks, my body is craving its poison.

The phleghm isn't black yet, thank whoever.

I've been having coughs this past few weeks, it might be the lack of smoking, it must be a real cough bacteria, it might be the chain-smoking.

A pack rests behind the phonebooks in a corner table in the living room. I can't leave them around while my grandma is in the country, she's staying with us.

I really need a smoke, my sweat lacks the poisonous sweet smell, my breath seems different, my dog can't recognize me by scent.

On second thought make that two smokes.

Pick you poison, pick your poison, pick your poison, pick your poison.

O hell, make it a pack, burn it in an hour.

or less.

Keep That Shit Away From Me

08 February 2009

So that's what karma is, shit causes shit causing more shit.

Right now, everything is just so fucked up, nothing is going right and I'm grasping at straws grasping at thinner straws.

I guess there's not much else to write,

Welcome to my Life.

Mahiwaga

12 November 2008

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Gagawa ako ng Mahiwaga.

ha?

Mahiwaga.

Maghihiwa ka ng baga?

Hinde, tanga. Mahiwaga.

Anong ibig mo sabihin?

Ano ba sa'yo ang mahiwaga?

Bakit ako na ang tinatanong mo?

Wala naman pinagkaiba iyon, kung ikaw man o ako ang magtanong.

 

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Magiging mahiwaga.

Ayan ka nanaman e.

Hinde, ayan ka nanaman.

Ikaw ang nagsimula.

Ako nga ba? O Ikaw? May pinagkaiba pa ba?

 

Hoy.

Bakit?

Alam ko na ang ibig mong sabihin.

Hiwaga?

Mahiwaga.

O.

Pagtataka, pagtataka sa lahat, pagtatanong. Pagdanas ng pagkahiwaga sa lahat ng bagay. Sa lahat ng oras, o natitirang oras, ay makita ang mundo at hindi maintindihang kagandahan nito, o kapangitan nito. Pero...

Pero walang pagnanais o pangangailangan ng pag intindi.

Oo.

Iyan ba ang ibig ko sabihin?

Hindi mo alam?

Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo?

 

Ano ba?

Anong ano ba?

Gusto ko gumawa ng Hiwaga.

Mahiwaga.

Oo, kung ano man iyon.

Bakit?

Huling araw na ng buhay ko.

Idiniklera mo o idiniklera sa iyo?

May pinagkaiba ba iyon?

Oo.

Kung ganoon edi idiniklera ko.

Ah, kung ganoon edi gagawa na din ako.

Bakit? Ginagaya mo ako?

Ikaw, ginagaya mo ako?

Sino ka ba?

Hindi ba malaking kahangalan ang tanong mong 'yan?

Ha?

Dapat ka na ngang mamatay.

Ano?

Hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mong mukha.

Kung Bakit Ayoko ng Plurk

17 October 2008

Ayoko ng Plurk,

Ayoko ng Plurk dahil ang genius ng ideyang ito, hayaan lang silang maglagay ng one liners at kalayaang magkumentuhan sa mga one liners na ito. Bigyan mo sila ng reinforcer at punishment (karma system) kapag nag plurk sila, taasan ang karma, bigyan ng bagong features, pag hindi, babaan ang karma, pagkaitan ng features.

Ayoko dahil hindi ako makapagpaliwanag ng ganito, may comment na kaagad bago ka makapagpaliwanag, mahirap, parang YM lang na grabe ang lag. Ayoko dahil nakaka-adik, masyado madaming pwedeng gawin, masyado nakakaengganyo na mag lagay ng madaming plurk dahil maiikli lang ang nilalagay mo

Ayoko ng Plurk kasi mawala ka lang ng isang araw ay isang milyon na ang hindi mo nabasang plurk mula sa mga katropa mo, kung ano-ano, lahat masarap komentan, para ka tuloy nakakain ng isang buong happy pizza mag-isa.

basta ayoko ng plurk, kaya hindi ako magpapataas ng karma, masaya na akong pwede ko na pangalanan ang page ko. 

Para sa Nag-iisa

18 August 2008

Ikaw na nag-iisa, huwag kang tutungo sapagkat nakakahawa ang lungkot mo, hindi ikaw ang may hawak ng lungkot habambuhay, sa lungkot mo'y magmumula ang lungkot ko. Huwag ka nang mag-isa at sumama ka sa akin.

Sinong umiwan sa iyo? Ako ba? Ngunit ngayon lang kita nakita, paano ko iiwan ang hindi ko pa nakakasama? Pero nais ko sanang makasama ka. Kung iniwan man kita bagamat ngayon lang kita nakita, hindi ko na gagawin iyon muli.

Ikaw na nag-iisa, at ako rin na nag-iisa. Tayong dalawang nag-iisa, nag-iisa pa ba? Mag-isa ka man d'yan at mag-isa man ako dito dalawa parin tayong nag-iisa. Magkita nga tayo sa gitna at magkasamang mag-isa, o maging isa, bahala ka.

The Psychoanaysis of Nanay: Isang Excerpt mula sa kwento kong "The Auditory Perception of Political, Economical, Socio-Cultural And Household Development Oriented Vocal Exclamations of the Female Nurturing Adult"

27 July 2008

Nuong Napagdesisyunan ko na na umaga ko na sasagutan ang number two ng Physics assignment ko at sisimulan ko na mag-review ng Psychodynamic Theories ay nadama ko na ang pagtatangkang i-demolish ang kwarto ko sa mga katok (kabog, suntok, hambalos, kung ano man ang tawag mo sa maingay na pagtama ng malaking kamao sa pinto), Si Nanay, pinagbuksan ko, matapang pala talaga tignan ang kombinasyon ng Daster at syanse.

"BAKIT NAKA LOCK KA?!" good evening din Inay.

"MAY TINATAGO KA BA? ANG GULO NG KWARTO MO!" may tinatago nga, tinatago kong magulo ang kwarto ko. Ikaw kasi, pumasok pasok ka pa dito. Duda ko nag walk-out na si Tatay matapos tamaan ng plato, ako na tuloy ang center of attention. Attention, according to a study, the average attention span of an adolescent is 20 minutes or less. So if nanay intends to lecture me the speech should be no longer than that, otherwise lilipad ang utak ko at wala na ako sa Earth.

Isa-isa n'yang pinapalipad mga gamit ko, nakakagulat kasi kinakaya ng maliit n'yang body built ang mga nakakalat na adobe sa kwarto ko. Bakit ba ang lakas ng fetish n'ya sa kalinisan? If you want to be Freudian about it, it may be because of of deficiencies in her anal stage of development where over-indulgence in potty training may lead to personalities with strong needs for cleanliness and organization to avoid, slash, lessen anxiety. Sabi naman ni Erikson, baka nag fail s'ya sa isa sa mga stages of development, most probably sa 'play age' kung saan shame and guilt ang main dillema nuong stage na 'yun, tama ba? Minental note ko na i-review ang eight stages of development mamaya.

"ANO TO?!" upos, ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng upos? Huwag na mag salita, hindi ako dapat mag-salita, quiteness. Pero 'di ba silence means yes? Pero hindi naman answerable ng yes or no yung tanong kaya okey lang.

"NANINIGARILYO KA NA?!" bakit? Kala mo ikaw lang? Idol kasi kita, ay lab yu so mats dat ay wan tu bi layk yu. Sabi ni Bandura, maaring matuto ang mga bata sa nakikita lamang nilang reinforced behavior at hindi lamang sa pansariling trial and error. Dinuduro na ako ng inay habang sinusumbat ang ang pagbubuntis n'ya sa akin, ang laki ng diameter ng puke n'ya nung lumabas ako doon, pati pinakain n'ya sa akin at kung ano-ano pa. Naisip ko tuloy yung archetype ni Jung na Great Mother, meron itong life-giving at destructive qualities. Mukhang ito na yung destructive qualities.

"SINONG NAGTURO SA'YO NITO?!" According to Erikson, peer groups are the most powerful factor during adolescent stage. According to Fromm Relatedness is one of the five human needs so ibig sabihin need ang pakikirelate sa kaibigan at nakahanap lang naman ako ng madaling paraan. According to Freud, ito ay oral fixation na dulot ng maikling breast feeding period nuong infancy ko, maagang nawala ang pleasure source during the oral stage of development. Mabilis na inalis sa akin ang right to the nipple, normally ito ay dahil sa mabilis na kasunod na kapatid, pero wala naman akong mga kapatid, maaga paring pinagkait sa akin ang suso, so ibig sabihin, shit, teka, HOLY SHIT! Oo, alam ko na, everything is clear to me, now, ikaw ang dahilan kaya ako naninigarilyo! Its all your fault!

From Jun, with Love

06 July 2008

[Yipee! Mail]

[Drafts/Unsent Items]

[sandyheaven@yipee.com]

Sa pagbagtas ko ng North Avenue kanina naalala ko ang pagbagtas natin sa sarili nating lansangan, tayong dalawa at ang ibang pasahero sa iisang jeepney. Naalala ko yuon, nakaupo tayo sa magkabilaang upuan ng jeep, sabi ko sa'yo "dito ka." tumabi ka sa akin, hindi mo lang alam kung gaano ako kasaya na ganyan ang lapit mo sa akin. Hindi mo alam, walang malisya sa iyo, wala rin naman sa akin, saya lang ang meron.

Ang lapit mo, hindi ko na maalala ko kung saan ako bababa, kung saan ako sumakay, kung ano ang gagawin natin, kung saan tayo pupunta, kung bakit tayo magkasama, na may kasama pa pala tayong iba, ang alam ko lang kasama kita. Nakasampay ang kamay ko sa baras ng bintana ng jeep, sa likod mo, kung maari lang kitang akbayan ay ginawa ko na. Pero kaibigan kita, hindi dapat, kilala ko si Chino, mabait si Chino, mahal mo si Chino, mahal ka n'ya, kaya hindi dapat.

Parang pinipiga ng mga kadenang yelo ang puso ko, pero hindi masakit, hindi rin naman masarap, kakaibang pakiramdam, marahil ito na ang pinaka malapit na mararating ko para madanas ang sinasabi nilang masarap na bawal, ang malayong akbay.

Sana hayskul na lang ulit tayo, sana pwede ako gumising at malamang lahat ng anim na taong buhay ko ay panaginip lang ng isang first year highschool na ako. Sana pwede ko iwasan ang mga pagkakamali, sana maaari ko pang unahan si Chino. Pero hindi na, eto na, masaya na ako ng ganito. Masaya na ako dahil tanggap ko na, mahal kita, mahal ka nya, mahal mo sya, malinaw na sa akin ang papel ko, dito na lang ako. Dahan-dahan kong inurong ang kamay ko mula sa baras, dito lang ako.

Masaya

05 July 2008

Kapag hindi ka ba malungkot ay masaya ka na? Tingin ko kasi oo, kasi hindi naman ako malungkot, pero wala naman akong dahilan para maging masaya, pero masya ako. Siguro pwede na ding dahilan sa pagkasaya ang pagiging hindi malungkot.

Pero mahaba na ang pag-eemo ko at nabalitaan nyo na siguro ang mga dahilan ko para mag senti, pero hindi sila nag paparamdam ngayon, wala silang epekto sa akin ngayon. Epektibo din naman yata yung kagustuhang maging masaya. Happy Joy Joy mode. Kaya masaya ako.

Believe me, hindi ako sarcastic ngayon, masaya ako.

A Double Hundred (ginaya kay Rementilla)

04 July 2008

May Test akong nakita, nakuha ko kay Rementilla, wala syang naitulong sa pagdedesisyon ko sa buhay at duda ako sa pagka credible nyang test (mula sa mga pahapyaw na nadidinig ko mula sa mga 115 at 110 nyong mga Psych Major). Masyado mataas ang scores ko sa madaming courses, walang wenta...

You scored as a English/Journalism/Comm

You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Communication, English, Film, Journalism, Literature, or Writing.  It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

Psychology/Sociology 100% English/Journalism/Comm 100% French/Spanish/OtherLanguage 94% PoliticalScience/Philosophy 94% Visual&PerformingArts 88% Education/Counseling 81% History/Anthropology/LiberalArts 75% Religion/Theology 75% HR/BusinessManagement 63% Accounting/Finance/Marketing 38% Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health 38% Biology/Chemistry/Geology 38% Physics/Engineering/Computer 31% Mathematics/Statistics 0%

Psych UP: PHAN Forums

21 June 2008

http://psychup.proboards34.com/
Nahanap ko habang ginugoogle ang Psyca ang forum site na to, medyo konti ang population nya, wala pang super daming forums, pero tingin ko steady naman, Muahahaha! 158 pa lang ang members nya, ahehehehe