The Right Kind of Famous

02 January 2013

I want to be famous.

Who doesn't want to be famous? Perhaps people under the witness protection program. Me, I want to be famous like nobody else has ever become. I want to be famous for everything I have ever done and anything I will ever do. Even buying groceries. I want people to be like "Oh my god! Ernest Angeles buys San Miguel Beer, Chicken, and Fried Chicken breading! Then he rents Die Hard! I totally eat beer and eat fried chicken while watching Bruce Willis action movies too!"

I don't want to be just any famous guy. I have listed down four qualities I want my kind of fame to have.

First, I want it to be Big. I want everybody to know my name and my face. I would be walking into a train station and all CCTV cameras would suddenly point to me. My face would be in billboards across EDSA and the North Luzon Expressway. I would be endorsing everything. Even feminine wash. It would be like "Ernie Angeles likes your vagina to smell like MAYAMAN Feminine wash, now with formaldehyde!" and people would buy it, even men would but it. I want there to be action figures of me and toy geeks would be like "Yeah, the new Hasbro Ernie Angeles release is pretty cool, it even comes with a computer chair stand and different wig attachments but I still like the v1 release, the face was more realistic and they used better material." I want people to know me so much that figures of speech have been made about me like "He ernie-d the pavement." which would mean he drank lots of beer or something. I want my name and my face to be everywhere.

Next, I want it to be Lasting. I don't want to be just a fad. I want to be famous like Shakespeare! After the initial attention has died down people will start studying my life and work in schools. There would be chapters in history books entitled "From the Early Post-Modern period to the Rise of Ernie". Hundreds of years after my death, preschoolers will be making dioramas from scenes of my life. Kids will be like "Yeah, this is called the Redefinition of Awesomeness." and other kids would go "Dude, everybody does Redefinition of Awesomeness dioramas, mine is The Mastering of Megalodons." School buildings will be named after me, I would be in every currency of every country. People would name their children after me and people would be like "Dude, that's a cool name."

Thirdly, I want it to be Annoying. I want to be so famous that I would regret being famous. I want to come to a point in my life where I could say to people that "Yeah, fame isn't everything it's hyped up to be. It's fucking annoying." I want to have to buy a new car and house every week because people keep finding out where I live and shouting outside holding up signs saying how much they love me. I want to not be able to watch a TV show without a mention of my name or seeing my face in the commercials and I would just cut-off all connection to the outside world because there is too much of me. I want to have to have a personal chef and personal farm because all the food packaging in grocery stores has my name or face on it and it sickens me. I want to be so famous that I will want to time travel and beat myself up at this moment of my life that I made this blog post and shout "YOU HAVE NO IDEA! YOU CURSED ME! YOU CURSED US! YOU CURSED FUTURE YOU. YOU FOOL!"

Lastly, I want my fame to be Significant. I don't want to be famous for something stupid like a youtube video or saying "Lady Arwen, we cannot delay." I want to be famous for world changing shit. Like I wrote a book or something and people were like "OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE BEST THING WRITTEN EVER. THE WORLD HAS TO CHANGE TO MAKE IT WORTHY TO BE WHAT CONTAINS THIS BOOK," or something similar. I want people to cry so much in my wake that the sea level would rise. I to be so significant that my grave would always have visitors, every fucking day. The visitors would bring their children to my grave and say things like "Back in my day, we used to worry a lot. We used to have war and lots of unnecessary violence. evil, sadness and bad stuff. This man, this man made sure you won't have that." Yeah, I want the thought of me to bring tears to people's eyes, even those who never actually met me.

Yeah, Big, Lasting, Annoying, Significant, that's the kind of fame I want.
I want to be even more famous than god.
In short, I want to be BLAS Famous.
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BLASFAMOUS! Get it? HAHAHAHAHA! I'm a fucking genius.
Yeah the whole thing was  a lead up to that. It was wonderful. Feel free to ignore everything else except the joke. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah crap, I'm funny.

Woooh, HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Blasfamous, still can't stop laughing.

Insert Korning Title or Para sa mga Kaibigan Kong Piniling Umibig

22 May 2010

('Ano nanamang kalokohan to Ernie?' Sasabihin n'yo)

Una sa lahat, nais kong mag-alay ng papuri, pagbubunyi, paghanga, pagkawindang, chocolate chip cookies, at buhay na manok para sa inyo (o sa atin, waterbear). Palakpakan para sa mga sira-ulong pinili pa ring umibig kahit ano pang pagkadurog ng puso, pagkapaminta ng pagkatao, ay pagka abo ng kaluluwa na nakikita natin sa TV at sinehan (o illegally downloaded sa computer), na talaga namang negatively reinforcing. Mabuhay ang mga sira-ulong walang pakielam sa lahat ng kabulastugang yuon at tumutunganga lang para sa happy ending. Matapang ka, sabihin mo mang hindi mo pinili maramdaman ang nararamdaman mo ay, oh well, nandyan pa rin yan. Aminin mo man o hindi ginusto mo yan, umibig ka at hindi mo ginawa ang mga pwede namang gawing pag-iwas o paglublob ng puso sa liquid nitrogen.

Hirit ng nagmamarunong na takot naman sa mga terminolohiya o ng nahihiyang gumamit ng salitang 'pag-ibig' kasi wow pare ang lalim o di kaya'y ew tsong baduy; Hindi ako umiibig/hindi pa ito pag-ibig/hindi ako naniniwala sa pag-ibig, I'm just fond of her ('at ganun din s'ya sa akin' optional). The hell, ano ba ang problema ng iba sa atin sa terms? Salita lang ito kaibigan, ang ibig sabihin sa ingles ay 'like'. Ibig, ibig, ibig, 'pag-ibig', 'umiibig', 'mag ibig ka ng tubig pampaligo ng ate mo'. Salita lang ito kaibigan, walang dahilan matakot sa salita, tao ang nagluluwa ng salita (pamisa'y kinakain pa nga, ew). Salita mo yan, labo naman matakot.

So anyway, ayun nga, congrats, magaling, mahusay. Medyo mabigat lang yung feeling n'yan sa simula pero biglang gagaan na lumilipad ka na tapos bibigat ulit kaya mahuhulog ka. Kasamaang palad lang talaga at walang sasalo sa'yo. Ganito ang tingin ko sa pag-ibig; Parang pagkahulog sa bangin, sobrang lalim na bangin na parang yung bangin na kinahulugan ni Alice sa Alice in Wonderland nung sinundan n'ya yung nagsasalitang kuneho. Sa simula ng pagkahulog mo'y natatakot ka, habang tumatagal nalilimutan mo na ang tungkol sa pagkahulog at nagiging masaya ka, ineenjoy mo ang experience, sinimulan mo itong tawaging pag lipad at hindi pagkahulog. Tapos maiinip ka, wala ka nang magawa, hindi mo na ma-enjoy, wala nang bago. Hindi na dramatic, romantic, o metaphoric yung nangyayari kundi pathetic na lang. Nahuhulog ka na lang talaga, at babalik yung takot, dahil naalala mong walang nahuhulog, na hindi bumabagsak. Malulungkot kang hindi mo mapigilan ang pagdating ng sakit, naiinis ka, pero mas namamayani yung lungkot.

Ang pag-ibig, yung tunay, ay yuong nabubuhay pa pagkatapos ng pagkahulog sa lupa, bumangon sa pagkakasalampak sa sahig, tinanggap na putsa ang sakit ng buong katawan ko buti na lang imortal ako. At habang masakit pa, habang nagsisimula pa lang maghilom, ay sinimulan nang akyatin yung bangin na kinahulugan, dahan-dahan. Ang tunay na pag-ibig yung aakyat at tatalon at aakyat at tatalon ng paulit-ulit. Hanggang sa maging magkasing saya ang pagkahulog at ang pagakyat, kahit na ang ibig sabihin nuon ay hindi na ito aabot sa dating all-time high ng kasiyahan. Hanggang sa malimutan mo na ang tungkol sa pagbagsak, pagtama sa lupa, at maging tungkol na lang ito sa pagkahulog, sa pagpapaubaya sa mundo na hilahin ka, tapos ipahiya ito sa pamamagitan ng pagbangon at pag angat. Di bale na yung sakit, di bale na yung mga sugat.

Ang tunay na pag-ibig ay hindi yung sa exciting na parte, ang tunay na pag-ibig yung nabubuhay sa monotonous. Yung hindi na importante sa'yo kung di ka na dinadalhan ng bulaklak o minamasahe. Hindi na importante kung nababawasan ang oras n'ya para sa iyo. Hindi na importante sa'yo na magpakita pa ng affection, at hindi ka na rin naghihintay noon, sapat na sa'yo ang bagay na kayo ang magkasama. Na pinili n'yo ang isa't isa bilang patunay na nagmamahalan nga kayo. Yuong parte na s'ya ng paulit-ulit at boring mong buhay, hindi lang parang birthday party na one-time big time. Ang tunay na pag-ibig wala nang pakielam sa pag-ibig, ang tunay na pag-ibig nasasanay, at wala nang alam na ibang pamamaraan ng pamumuhay kundi ang magmahal. Wow ang korni na.

(Sabi nila experience is the greatest teacher, sabi ko naman, it's not the only teacher. Mula sa kasanayan ko sa kakapanhik sa iba't ibang bangin, hanggang sa mas naeenjoy ko na yung pag tama sa lupa kesa sa pagkahulog. Kaya ko lang naman sinulat to dahil kinikilig ako sa pag-ibig ng mga iba d'yan, pero iniisip ko ding mas maganda kung kahit wala na yung kilig, nandoon pa rin yung pag-ibig)

(Hindi ko alam kung may sense yun)

Uwian na: Excerpt

25 April 2010

Maagang pinauwi sina Jun mula sa paaralan, tanghali pa lang ay sakay na s’ya ng serbis ng paaralan papunta sa kani-kanilang bahay. Walang takdang-araling binigay ang kanyang mga guro at tulad ng karaniwang bata sa greyd por ay pinaplano na n’ya ang mga paglalarong gagawin n’ya pagkauwi at ang mga palabas sa telebisyon na mapapanood n’ya dahil pinauwi sila ng maaga. Isang bulalakaw kasi ang bumulusok mula sa kalawakan papasok ng bintana ng kanilang silid at pumaslang sa kanilang guro sa Filipino, magiging abala ang mga dyanitor at karpintero ng paaralan sa paglilinis ng nabasag na bintana, pagtatanggal ng mga bakas ng pagkasunog at dugo sa mga ding-ding at kisame at pagpapalit ng salamin ng silid. Magiging abala din ang mga guro sa pagdadala ng katawan ni Gng. Pagtalunan sa morge at pagpapaliwanag sa pamilya nito sa kalunos-lunos na aksidenteng naganap. Kaya’t maaga silang pinauwi.

Binaba siya sa harap ng kanilang bahay ng mabait at palangiting drayber ng serbis ng paaralan, pag-pasok n’ya sa bahay ay inabutan n’yang nakatayo sa kisame ang kanyang ina at abalang binabakyum ang paligid ng bumbilya ng kanilang sala. Hindi agad napansin ng kanyang ina na nasa loob na s’ya ng bahay, marahil dahil sa ingay na nililikha ng bakyum kliner nila. Tumingkayad si Jun para kalabitin ang bumbunan ng ina, na agad namang tumingala.

“Aba, maaga ka yata ngayon.” Sabi ng ina,

“Hindi kita madinig, patayin mo muna ang bakyum, ma.” Sabi ni Jun, nakatingala sila sa isa’t isa

“Ano anak? Hindi kita madinig, papatayin ko muna itong bakyum.” Pinatay ng ina ni Jun ang bakyum cleaner. “Bakit maaga ka pinauwi ngayon?”

“May bulalakaw na pumasok sa bintana at tinamaan si Gng, Pagtalunan, patay na s’ya kaya pinauwi na kami.” Sabi ni Jun.

“Si Gng. Pagtalunan? Mabait na guro iyon, nakakalungkot naman.” Umiiling-iling ang ina ni Jun ng muling buksan ang bakyum at nagpatuloy sa paglilinis.

Tanungin mo si Ernest

02 April 2010

http://www.formspring.me/estongdakila
Dahil gusto kong tinatanong ako, dahil gusto kong sumasagot. (Tsaka dahil pa-importanteng bwakanang hayop ako) May Formspring account na ako, Yehey! Palakpakan! Patayin si Santino!

The Continuity of Self-Hate in the War Against the Truth That is Time

08 February 2010

I have prided myself in being above mediocrity, on being more than the average man. I am ashamed to admit that all this time I have been wrong. But I will admit, I have been wrong, I am no more than a man. Whatever the definition of which it entails, that I am, a man and no more.

I would like to believe in a One True Way, a destiny, a predetermined future that speaks of me being born to be more than what I have always been. I would like to believe in fate. I would like to believe that there is something out there in the path time takes to the end of it all that says one day I will be great. But I know there is none, I know now that there is no one true way. That I am a man molded by the choices I make and the events this brings.

For as long as I could remember I have been obsessed with the past and the future. Wishing there was a way I could travel back with the wisdom I have now and change things, make things better than they are. Hoping that eventually something will happen that will lead me to a destiny I have so long wished for me to have.  I am constantly at war with the truth that is time, and that there is nothing I can do about anything in it other than what is in the present.

I have come to understand that my wishing and hoping have all been wrong. Understand, but not accept.

I know this, I accept that the fact that I cannot accept that fact is a weakness. I am afraid of the future, and as the mistakes I have made pile up I cannot stop myself from dwelling In the seas my incapability to take charge of my own life has created. I am drowning, and as I consume more and more of these errors I realize all of this is just too much for me, and I will die in my sins to myself and to the world around me. To the people I love, and how I have begun to hate people I love simply for being right about me, for stabbing me with knives and spears in my face. There is simply too much of it for me to start over.

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But then, I do not have to start over.

I have taken the step to realize I am drowning, I have awoken to see my world flooded by these blunders of my own making. I have accepted that there is no way for me to parch these waters, and what I have to do is to learn how to swim.

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I am humbled by my own words, I recall once saying to a friend; “We can never start over, we can only continue from where we are.” How arrogant of me to have said words I have been blind to follow. Time and time again reminds me of how my past has molded me to be what I am. Weak, irresponsible, arrogant, fool-hardy, timid, indolent, these are adjectives that have chosen me as host. I have lived a life to deserve the flaws of my nature, and not the splendor that I could be.

There, I said it, there is nothing I must be. There is nothing I should be. There is nothing I need to be. There are only the things I can be. Somewhere between my clouded reverie and lurid lucidity I know, There are things to be done, and everything now lies as to if I will.

I can never really know unless I try I guess.

The Complexity of Memory Annoys Me

28 January 2010

I wish people would stop telling people what things remind them of, I know I must've done it a few times as well but I'm gonna stop it right now. People should stop telling people what things remind them of. People get reminded of  a lot of things during conversations, people get reminded a lot of things when we look at things, people get reminded by a lot of things all the time! It's annoying when they start going "oh that reminds me..." "it reminds me of..." nobody cares what it reminds you of, did you get your conversation skills from a shoe?

It especially annoys me when it involves some sort of artwork done. A webcomic I read once had a lot of comments saying "This feels so Calvin and Hobbes" the artist commented back sounding offended, she had no intention of it looking Calvin and Hobbes-ish, she is barely influenced by Calvin and Hobbes and the readers thought it was very Calvin and Hobbes because it had a FRIGGIN' SNOWMAN! What the fuck was that about? What good did your comment do? Who the hell needed that information? Saying something like that is saying something because you don't have nothing to say, if you have nothing to say then DON'T say anything. Especially about what shit reminds you of.

To those who follow me on plurk, you would be familiar with how I was annoyed by a comment saying that my poster design reminded somebody of the Loverage poster for the UP fair sometime back. Now that was damn annoying, even if you meant it as a compliment, how the fuck did that comparison help anyone? And the designs don't even look anything alike. If it reminds you of something it offends our attempt at being original. It offends me because I go to great lengths to make it look good and the best thing people would say is "hey, that reminds me of ________" fuck that.

Okay, there goes Ernie again complaining about shit that don't go his way. Just think about it okay? That shit ain't cool.

Drunken Miss

27 November 2009

Stuff I Did Wrong, reason as to why I was unable to do a proper commute and had a few buddies worried.

-I didn't count my beers. I could've gone eight to ten beers if only I was in condition and I followed my drinking rules, but it was a fun night, so I said screw the rules.

-Drank non-beer alcoholic, again screwing up my limit monitoring.

-Tried to battle my enemy, rhum, and it proved that even if it gave me the handicap of being mixed with cola I still lose. One day Rhum, we will fight, and I will have my revenge, you have hit me the wrong way so many times and all my attempts to finally have a session with your presence and get home alright. I did way better than I did before because I didn't vomit or forget what has happened. But I still needed a moment to collect myself, had to be helped a bit, drink something caffeinated, and tried to do a sobriety test on myself. By the way, while collecting myself I do hear and understand you guys, so thank you for worrying. The vomit on the table shocked me like shit, guess someone was worse than me.

-Didn't eat. Dinner was a few Nachos and a small bite from Joy's  Chicken Alfredo.

-Forgot I had women with me, I should have known better. Sorry for being sexist but I wasn't raised to not make sure everyone is safe being the biggest guy around.

-assumed I'd get a ride to Cubao, dammit, Jammin had to have a Jiro Problem, really bad luck for me. Anyway we'd need to do this again with Jammin, and in better states.

-smoked filterless, though this doesn't involve the alcohol, what the fuck was I thinking? That was stupid but, well, funny.

-had evil, evil, thoughts.

So conclusion? We have to do that again.

I'm no Genius, I'm no Activist, but I'm Not Enough of an Idiot to Not Say Something.

18 November 2009

Do you know these names? Noynoy Aquino? Of course, how abot Kris Aquino? Hell yeah, the Cojuangcos? It seems stupid to ask. How about these names: Jun David? No? Boy Verzola? Never heard? Neng Manalo? Random people you say? Nah, These are just the names of some of the farmers killed at the Hacienda Luisita Massacre. Yeah, doesn't really matter, does it? They don't affect your lives, they do their farming, they fertilize land with blood, the Cojuangcos live their nice and easy lives and you don't give a shit.

It's funny how easy we judge the villains in soap operas when we can't see the bad guys in real life.

Sure, Noynoy may not have ordered that massacre. Yeah, I AM judging him by his genetics. I want to know something from this Presidential Candidate, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? Prove to me that you won't let your family influence you, prove to me what you can do for the farmers, point the finger on who actually is responsible for those deaths and that injustice and actually do something about it. All you did so far was blab on the newspapers that you want the Hacienda Luisita Lands to be given to them farmers, do something about it motherfucker.

Right now, it aint your fault. You let this slide and it will be.

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A few months ago, actually maybe even less than that, Legarda was accusing Villar of corruption on the C-5 road project. I definitely think that Legarda was just doing that to catch attention because her "climate change lady" image just isn't selling (if you don't remember, I don't blame you, she also used to be "poverty lady" and "social injustice lady"). That didn't work out quite well for her as well since she ended up sounding like Jamby Madrigal, and who the fuck would want to sound like a cam-whore? So scrap that, she goes into the "I-don't-want-to-talk-about-politics-I-want-to-focus-on-climate-change" mode, (she actually said those words) WHILE everybody is talking about Presidential aspirations, oh c'mon. That sounds so Presidentiable, I hate you Legarda.

And now, she's running with Villar as his Vice-Presidential candidate. Not that it was surprising, it was funny and annoying as hell. Now who  the fuck is telling the truth the whole time? We all know that Manny Villar went corrupt in that project, I just want somebody punished for corruption once in a while in this country. C'mon! The question I want to ask and I want to hear a goddamn straight answer from both of them WHO THE FUCK WAS TELLING THE TRUTH? Because if Villar was teling the truth that he didn't go corrupt on that project then Legarda was making baseless accusations and she's a liar who just wants some attention at the expense of a fellow senator.if LEGARDA was telling the truth then what the hell is Villar doing running for president? You want to give him MORE power?

I like Villar for pete's sake, he was the original rags to bureaucrat capitalist story. I just don't want him running the country, I'm fucking scared.

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What the fuck can I say about Bayani Fernando that hasn't been said already? He can't even fix Marikina, you expect him to fix a country? He think trees are like street lights you can pull out and replant. God bless the Ateneans wanting to pull up a "we love the environment" image for not letting Bayani Pull out the trees at Katipunan. He's a wonderful engineer, sure, he has great ideas sometimes but he can't solve all the problems, he can solve very specific type of problems that cover his field of knowledge. He isn't stupid, he's fucking ignorant of all the other things. He thinks the reason his methodologies aren't working is because we don't know how to follow the rules, Motherfucking idiot, does he even drive around Metro Manila? I want him to drive around Metro Manila every god condemned day of his life to see what kind of messed up things he comes up with and how it messes up everything else.

By the way, Pink and Blue is just a fucking ugly color for the streets, mix it with all that black from soot and its disgustingly ugly. Paint it silver or something, paint it Yellow, Paint it beige, blend to the street colors, just don't paint it fucking ugly blue and pink you idiot.

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I don't blame many people for liking Chiz Escudero, the guy is charismatic, he talks the talk, he talks quite a lot actually, and he actually thinks he's the Obama here, he's a fucking corrupt idiot.

I grew up surrounded by Sorsogon Politics, I know what Chiz has been doing all the time he was Representative of Sorsogon, effin' nothin'. He was too busy being a noisy young congressman from Bicol during the impeachment trials. He was busy being the so-called good-looking senator. He was too busy sounding smart and pretending to be smart to actually be smart. He's an overrated, overexposed motherfucker who talks too much.

YOUNG PEOPLE! Knock-knock! Chiz Escudero cannot save your country, he is another Feudal raised, corrupt son of a bitch. It just disgusts me that they even let him speak, everything he says is so written down on a piece of paper and memorized before he actually says it on cam. Geez, how I wish I could talk about everything he's been doing and the stuff he's been saying, and all that stuff but I promised my family I wouldn't. So I'll just say shut up Chiz.

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When I told my mom that Erap is running for President I did it via Yahoo! Messenger since she's out of the country, all she could reply was "OMG."

Geez, constitutional loopholes! We are going to allow somebody who is actually guilty of corruption to run for President? A womanizer, prolific gambler, corrupt motherfucker? Are we that stupid? Do we have absolutely no respect for our constitution or ourselves? THE GUY WAS CONVICTED GUILTY. G-U-I-L-T-Y. He is out on PARDON. PRESIDENTIAL PARDON. The guy's a convict for taking money of the taxes WE paid that could've been used to feed our families. The guy's convicted for protecting illegal gambling activity in the country, what the fuck else do you want to hear?

PLEASE! Joseph Estrada can't even respect  a little deal he signed for his pardon. "NO RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE" or even "THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY", how the hell do you expect him to follow law like "Don't steal from your country ass-hole"?

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This is going to be one really retarded elections. With all this stupidity I would make you want to NOT vote. But fuckers that's the only thing we have to do in this Democracy. I fucking hope we choose the right one.

Para sa mga Kaibigan kong Graduating

06 November 2009

Mahusay, magaling, graduating na kayo, you made it this far, you deserve applause, give it yourselves. Mahirap ang pinagdaanan n'yo, nagawa n'yong lagpasan ang mga hirap na yun dahil talaga namang binuhusan nyo ng timba-timbang pagod, balde-baldeng puyat, sangkatutak na pagtitiis ang lahat. Magaling, mauuna na ako sa mga babati sa inyo sa Marso, congratulations.

Ang aga mo naman bumati Ernie, sasabihin n'yo, maaga ako bumati kasi alam ko namang matatapos nyo itong dadaan na semestre, at matatapos nyo ng may lupit na humahagupit. Makukuha nyo yung bwakanang inang passport nyo sa mata ng mga recruitment officer ng iba't ibang kumpanya, UP Diploma. Alam ko, kahit hindi nyo man makumpleto lahat ng subject nyo itong semestreng to, kahit na may maiwan ka pa para sa susunod na sem o sa summer, matatapos mo din yan at medyo mas maaga lang ng kaunti para sa iyo ang pabati ko. Pero ikaw naman, ano ba namang depirensya nun? Gumradweyt ka, medyo nagkaaberya lang, naubusan ka lang siguro ng gasolina sa daan, naflatan ng gulong, o baka nasira stereo mo pero darating ka rin dun. Makakarating ka rin dun.

Natutuwa ako para sa inyo dahil itong semestreng paghihirapan nyo, bawat minutong pinuyat mo sa sem na to, isipin mo, konti na lang. Bawat salitang tinatayp mo para sa mga paper mo, isipin mo, konti na lang. Bawat paglabas mo ng school para magfieldwork, pag hahalungkat sa library, paghahanap ng sasagot sa survey, pakikipag diskusyon sa prof, pagdadala ng mabibigat na text book, pagkokompyut ng problem na dapat nang idemanda sa sobrang hindi makatarungan, tandaan mo, konti na lang. Konting-konti na lang, kayang-kaya nyo na yan.

Hindi mo alam sinasabi mo Ernie, siguro nga, sinukuan ko yan e. Pero natutuwa ako para sa inyo. Patunay ko sa sarili ko na hindi peer pressure ang dahilan kaya ako nagloko, ang sisipag nyo e. Whoops, walang kokontra, masipag kayo. Wag mo sabihin sa aking nag-slack off ka last sem kasi may mga gabing kinumpleto mo tulog mo. Walangya ka, maawa ka sa sarili mo, kinailangan mo naman yun. Kung kinulang kayo sa sinakripisyo, hindi na yun kakulangan bilang mag-aaral, ang dami nyo na ngang kinakalimutang basic necessities, pumapasok na nga kayo ng eskwela ng hindi naliligo. Nalilimutan na nga ng katawan nyong magutom kasi masyado na itong abala mapagod. Appreciate nyo yung pinaghirapan nyo, andito na kayo, ayan na, dulo na to, game na.

Hahaha, siguro nga gusto ko lang mauna bumati ng congratulations, pero tingin ko naman hindi naman ito sobrang agang pabati. Tama lang naman, hindi ko naman kayo kinokongratulate dahil makakakuha na kayo ng degree at diploma e. Binabati ko kayo kasi napaghirapan nyo na yung degree na yan, naalayan nyo na ng dugo, pawis, luha, laway, sipon, tinga, tutule, nana, libag, kalyo, patay na kuko, eyebag, hairfall, wrinkles, at taghiyawat yang degree na yan. Okay na, solb na, konti na lang para marealize na din ng eskwelahan na okay ka na nga. Sige na, aral na kayo.

Di n'yo na kelangan ng goodluck, kaya nyo na naman yan e. Apir.

Tunay

29 April 2009

Naramdaman mo na ba yung parang gusto mo na ilabas sa buong mundo kung sino ang buong ikaw, lahat ng mali mo, lahat ng sugat mo, ultimo pimples sa pwit mo, kahit tae na pinapahid mo sa tuhod mo gusto mo na sabihin sa mundo. Wala na lang silang masabi na nagpapanggap ka, na may tinatago ka. Para maintindihan nila kung bakit ka ganyan, kung bakit ka kinikilig sa pelikula ni John Llyod at Bea, kung bakit ka natatakot umuwi sa sariling bahay, kung bakit ka pumupunta sa top floor ng carpark ng mga mall para lang umiyak.

Tapos maiisip mo na hindi mo pala kaya ilabas, hindi dahil may gusto ko pa itago kundi dahil talagang hindi naman posible ilabas, hindi pwede isalin sa salita ang lahat ng bakit, ano, paano at gaano ng buhay mo. Hindi mo din kaya ipaliwanag kung bakit ka nahihiya kumain kasama ang pamilya ng iba at nalulungkot kumain mag-isa. Kung bakit ayaw mo na pumasok sa iskwelahan at kung bakit nagmamadali ka tumanda. Wala kang maibigay na eksplenasyon sa mga maliliit at malalaki mong kaartehan, kalibugan, kagaguhan at kapraningan. Wala ka pa lang alam tungkol sa sarili mo, o kung meron man e wala kang kakayahan sabihin ito sa iba.

At nung malaman mo yun ay mababadtrip ka dahil babagsak na sa'yo na ikaw lang talaga ang pwede magdala ng sarili mo, hindi mo pwede ipaintindi sa iba dahil iniintindi din nila ang mga sarili nila. Maiintindihan mo, pero ikababanas mo pa rin na walang totoong makaka alam kung bakit ka ganyan, hindi ka matatanggap ng kahit sino dahil sa alam nila kung bakit, tinatanggap ka na lang nila kahit di nila alam. At maiiyak ka sa ideya na ang mga hindi makatanggap sa iyo ay hindi ka man lang maiintindihan. Hindi man lang nila masasabi sa sarili nila na "Kaya s'ya ganyan kasi ganito, pero ayoko pa rin sa kanya.". Bubuo na lang sila ng mga maling dahilan sa kung bakit ka ganyan, hindi mo man alam kung ano ang tamang dahilan maiinis ka dahil alam mong hindi iyon yun.

Tapos mapapaiyak ka ulit hanggang sa hindi mo na alam kung ano gagawin mo, gusto mo malaman nila kung sino ka, gusto mo malaman kung sino ka. Gusto mo ilagay yuon sa isang flash drive at ilagay na lang sa mga PC ng mga tao para ma-gets na nila kung sino ka, para gawing paliwanag yuon sa mga pagkakamali mo, para hindi ka na titingin sa kamatayan bilang isang perpektong paraan para matapos ang paghahanap sa pagintindi. Tapos marerealize mo na ang emo mo dahil tingin mo walang nakakaintindi sa'yo, pero babalik ka ulit sa ideya na wala naman talagang kaya umintindi kahit kanino, nagkataon lang na gusto mong maintindihan ka.

Hanggang sa ang mga tawanan ay hindi na sapat para mapasaya ka, hanggang sa ang iyakan ay hindi na sapat na labasan ng lungkot, hanggang sa kahit madurog mo na ang mga pader ay hindi pa sapat iyon na paglalabas ng muhi, ng suklam, ng galit sa sarili at sa mundo. Hanggang sa umulit ka na lang, paulit-ulit ka lang, sa pagiyak, pag muhi, pag tawa, pag iyak at pag muhi. Paulit-ulit na pangangailangan sa pagintindi na paulit-ulit mong nalilimutan na hindi naman darating.

 

Naramdaman mo na ba yun?

Keep That Shit Away From Me

08 February 2009

So that's what karma is, shit causes shit causing more shit.

Right now, everything is just so fucked up, nothing is going right and I'm grasping at straws grasping at thinner straws.

I guess there's not much else to write,

Welcome to my Life.

You have a Cruel way of saying Shut-Up

01 February 2009

(I am sorry, this might offend you, embarass you, or piss you off, as much as the others have, so don't read it if you just wish you haven't)

You could have told me to shut-up, I mean really tell me, actually tell me, say it in words, but you just had to do that, that, you know what that is. Now I can't shut-up, now I just have to keep writing until somebody cuts my fingers of.

Does it offend you that somebody likes you? Does it offend you that I am not courageous enough to tell you that I like you, I like you so much I might actually love you but refuse to say so just because I don't know what it means to love? Then you could've PMed me or something, IMed me or something, slapped me in the face or something like that! You just took the words out of the air, please just slap me instead.

I know I don't exactly have to right to say anything about not directly saying what's meant to say, I haven't told you anything, never mentioned nothing, and when I finally tried to say something a little bit closer to it than what I've done, now I don't know if I pissed you off or if you don't want others to know about it then I start thinking what's the point of me doing all this? I'm not confident enough to say it to you in person and I admit that and I'm too stupid not to put it in my blog because this damn thing is the only thing that I can pretend actually listens to me when I rant like this.

Now I can't even go on ranting like this, I like you too much to rant any more than I already have, I am sorry, but next time I see you, I will have to quit shutting up my blood, I can't live like this anymore.

Isa nanamang Liham na Hindi na naman mababasa ng Pinatutunguan

02 December 2008

Ayoko na,

Masyado na akong nabuburyong sa pagbabakasakali na ikaw ay dadaan o sisilip man lang kahit dalawang segundo lang. Ang unang segundo para makapagkunwari akong hindi pa kita napansin nuong papalapit ka pa lang, ang ikalawa para dumikit man lang sa isip ko na ikaw nga ang nadiyan at hindi isang mahabang guni-guni lamang, tulad ng madami kong ibang guni-guni. Ayoko na, ayoko nang hintayin ka pa, hindi na ako mauupo sa parehong pwesto para lang umasa na darating ka. Hindi na rin ako magdadalawang-isip umalis sa kinauupuan ko sa takot na baka sa pag-alis ko'y dumating ka at hindi ko masulit ang ginintuang pagkakataon. Ayoko na, kailangan ko nang umusad, inipit mo ako sa gitna ng gising at panaginip, pero hindi isang gising na panaginip kundi isang tulog na katotohanan.

Ayoko na, ayoko nang nanaginip sa gabi ng mga korning panaginip. Panaginip na nakakainis iwanan para sa tunay na mundo. Ayoko nang nakikita kang nakangiti sa aking tabi, nagkukwento ng masasaya at malulungkot sa ilalim ng itim na kurtinang sinabuyan ng mga mumunting ikaw, aking bituin, para lamang magising at bumungad sa akin ang malungkot na kisame, o tahimik na pader, o matigas na unan.

Gusto ko nang gumawa ng paraan, gawing tunay ang panaginip, o di kaya'y gisingin ang sarili sa katotohanan. O kaya sabay, gisingin ang sarili sa katotohanan na hindi magiging tunay ang panaginip kung manatili akong tulog, o gising pero di kumikilos. Kikilos ako, hindi para sa kung ano mang dahilan kundi para sa iyo, dahil ayokong hindi ako nagiging matapat sa'yo. Napakadungis ko sa mga sikretong tinatato naman sa balat, sikretong bukas para basahin, ayaw ko nang bihisan ang sarili huwag mo lang mabasa, ipababasa ko na, bahala ka na sa lahat ng pagkatapos.

Ayoko na, dahil gusto ko, oo madami akong gusto, pero may mas gusto ako, pinaka gusto kumbaga, at tingin ko, kandidato ka para duon.

PUGITA!

26 November 2008

Minsan may pugita,

Kulay abo at malaki,

Ang ulo n'ya parang sa tao,

Pero ang mata niya'y iisa,

At wala s'yang tenga.

 

Minsan may isang pugita,

Katulad din ng iba,

Walo ang galamay na malaki,

Nag-mumultitask parati,

Sabay-sabay ang ginagawa,

Lagi pang tuwang-tuwa.

 

Minsan may malaking Octopus,

Octopus na parang tao,

Kinain n'ya ako,

Palakpak ang tenga ko.

Mahiwaga

12 November 2008

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Gagawa ako ng Mahiwaga.

ha?

Mahiwaga.

Maghihiwa ka ng baga?

Hinde, tanga. Mahiwaga.

Anong ibig mo sabihin?

Ano ba sa'yo ang mahiwaga?

Bakit ako na ang tinatanong mo?

Wala naman pinagkaiba iyon, kung ikaw man o ako ang magtanong.

 

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Magiging mahiwaga.

Ayan ka nanaman e.

Hinde, ayan ka nanaman.

Ikaw ang nagsimula.

Ako nga ba? O Ikaw? May pinagkaiba pa ba?

 

Hoy.

Bakit?

Alam ko na ang ibig mong sabihin.

Hiwaga?

Mahiwaga.

O.

Pagtataka, pagtataka sa lahat, pagtatanong. Pagdanas ng pagkahiwaga sa lahat ng bagay. Sa lahat ng oras, o natitirang oras, ay makita ang mundo at hindi maintindihang kagandahan nito, o kapangitan nito. Pero...

Pero walang pagnanais o pangangailangan ng pag intindi.

Oo.

Iyan ba ang ibig ko sabihin?

Hindi mo alam?

Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo?

 

Ano ba?

Anong ano ba?

Gusto ko gumawa ng Hiwaga.

Mahiwaga.

Oo, kung ano man iyon.

Bakit?

Huling araw na ng buhay ko.

Idiniklera mo o idiniklera sa iyo?

May pinagkaiba ba iyon?

Oo.

Kung ganoon edi idiniklera ko.

Ah, kung ganoon edi gagawa na din ako.

Bakit? Ginagaya mo ako?

Ikaw, ginagaya mo ako?

Sino ka ba?

Hindi ba malaking kahangalan ang tanong mong 'yan?

Ha?

Dapat ka na ngang mamatay.

Ano?

Hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mong mukha.

Please Read, Badly Needing Advice: On my Grades, my Life, and Love

31 October 2008

(bear the first two paragraphs, I wrote them when I was still in a terrible mood, if you can't bear them then just skip to the fourth paragraph)

I hate my life, and here I go ranting about what a pathetic life I have and then people would say "No Ernie, you don't have a pathetic life!" or "Look, some lives are worse than yours." I say fuck off, I'm pissed at myself and am very much willing to be pissed at right about anyone else too, so give me a goddamn break. And yeah, I expect people to read this shit and I don't care if I end up insulting them while reading it. Look at this way, people of the blue earth, this damn thing would be a worse insult to myself than it would be to you. No, I won't calm down, and all you voices in my head can shut up too.

I have a pathetic life, I just said that, I know I did, and now I'm gonna start explaining why so that's why I said it again. My grades suck, suck badly, its like I'm not in school, and its true, I go to school barely going to school and I go there just to have fun, and I see it as good thing now because otherwise I'd be out of school a year ago if I didn't have fun at school. I'd be so much a blooming loser now if I'm not going to school, I'd probably be dead now if I wasn't in school, and the thing that rates how good you are at school says I suck at school, I hate grades. I always say I don't care about my grades, well I was lying, I do, I'm just used to not having to worry about them because I get good grades anyway that now I'm pissed of that I can't get grades my way. But I'm in a fucking school, its gotta be their way, fuck that.

If you've haven't noticed I used fuck a couple of times, well I don't fuck-off like this unless I'm really pissed and it aint just pissed-pissed, it's sad-pissed, I hate being sad, it pisses me off. Its just that I can't get a job and I feel so fucking strangled at home. I can't move, I can't do stuff my way, and even if my way doesn't always work I can't work or see myself doing stuff any other way, I like my way, my way is ambitious and cool. I don't want to live a boring life now I feel like I'm not living a life at all if its a boring life.

And there's this love thing, I think I'm fucking in love, and I use 'fucking' as an adjective there. The problem is I don't if its real or I'm just fooling with my own head, maybe all this talk about myself being so fucking pathetic make me feel so desperate that I just search for love everywhere. I hate it, I'm fucking embarassed by it, I like this girl bad, so bad, I don't know what to call it, I hate calling it love, I hate that word. And I like this other girl too and she somebody I've been with a bit longer. And to add to this confusion there's this girl hanging around, and I don't know what she's about, she's been there for a long time but I've been noticing she's been a bit different as if she's trying to say something. I don't know, this stuff is just coming back and it doesn't help that this feels too highschool to me, I'm embarassed blogging all this, really, I am.

I don't know, I'm such a coward, maybe I need counseling. But just the thought of getting counseling is troubling me, I mean, with all the chains I'm in, will I be allowed to? Will they understand? Who will understand? Those who chain me are those who've been with me for a longer time, those who me know since I was a kid, and I'm thinking, what if they're right? What if I am a pathetic guy, what if all that she says when she gives me a sermon are true. I mean, I know some of them are true, but what if I am going nowhere, what if I am a really bad person.

And then there's the Questions I ask to myself, what if I am not fit for school, what if I get kicked-out, what if I'm not a great writer, what if this is as good as I get, what if my friends won't be there forever, what if I disappoint everyone, my mom, my family, my friends, myself, and even my dad's legacy?

What if I don't deserve to be Loved?

Talk to me, give me words, whatever, insult me, provoke me, hate me, help me, just talk to me. Thank you for bearing this with me. AMEN to all who read this all, if there are gods, may they bless your souls.

Kung Bakit Ayoko ng Plurk

17 October 2008

Ayoko ng Plurk,

Ayoko ng Plurk dahil ang genius ng ideyang ito, hayaan lang silang maglagay ng one liners at kalayaang magkumentuhan sa mga one liners na ito. Bigyan mo sila ng reinforcer at punishment (karma system) kapag nag plurk sila, taasan ang karma, bigyan ng bagong features, pag hindi, babaan ang karma, pagkaitan ng features.

Ayoko dahil hindi ako makapagpaliwanag ng ganito, may comment na kaagad bago ka makapagpaliwanag, mahirap, parang YM lang na grabe ang lag. Ayoko dahil nakaka-adik, masyado madaming pwedeng gawin, masyado nakakaengganyo na mag lagay ng madaming plurk dahil maiikli lang ang nilalagay mo

Ayoko ng Plurk kasi mawala ka lang ng isang araw ay isang milyon na ang hindi mo nabasang plurk mula sa mga katropa mo, kung ano-ano, lahat masarap komentan, para ka tuloy nakakain ng isang buong happy pizza mag-isa.

basta ayoko ng plurk, kaya hindi ako magpapataas ng karma, masaya na akong pwede ko na pangalanan ang page ko. 

ZORRO: Last Part ng Kom2 paper ko Tungkol kay Dennis Magtajas

15 September 2008

Si Zorro, isang lalaking pinili mag maskara kaysa iharap ang sariling mukha sa lipunang kanyang ginagalawan. Piniling maging bayani at tagapagtanggol ng mga taong nakikita siya bilang api at kawawa. Hindi nagawa ng pananaliksik na tanggalin ang maskara niya, nagawa lamang nating talagang tignan si Zorro, si Dennis, at hindi lang basta daanan ng mga mata.

Hindi ba ang kanyang mismong kwento, kilos, anyo ay metapora na ng parehong kinang at dungis ng lipunan natin sa UP? Ang watawat na suot bagamat bawal na metapora ng nasyonalismong militante na mayroon ang aktibistang taga-UP, suot niya sa bawat minutong naaalala natin sa kanya. Ang dungis n’ya at dunong na tila nagiging simbulo ng mag-aaral na may dunong ngunit tinatago sa civilian clothing na parang wala lang at tsinelas na pinanglalakad sa kalakhan ng kampus, nangingitim na sa araw sa ngalan ng pag-aaral. Ang pagtakbo n’ya sa isang oval na tila sumasalamin sa pag-uulit-ulit ng buhay estyudante, na sa dulo ay pipilas ka din sa pag-ikot sa oval at dadaan na sa ibang daan.

Hindi naman yata talaga kelangan mahubad ang maskara ni Zorro, wala rin namang kakayahan o karapatan ang mananaliksik na sagutin ang tanong na “bakit s’ya ganoon?”. Pero tagumpay pa rin sa pinaka silbi ng papel na ito, ang mabigyang pangalan ang mukha na lagi nakatago, at ang tao sa likod ng maskara.

Nagbabalik Mula sa Kailaliman ng Aking Isipan: Cilva

31 August 2008

Maligayang pagbabalik kay Cilva,

 

I'm Back, here I go again, out of the shelved personalities, uh, shelf and back to the real world. Trying to keep this mind sane with unreal thoughts, with fantasies, with poetic stupidity and other equally beautiful things. It seems like I'm needed again, or maybe the events just give me chance to re-express my existence to this set of personalities. Its good to be back, its good to have changed a bit with my years of hibernation, its good to know that my little boy has bigger problems now than the ones he had when he created me. It does look bleaker now, but things are happier, its easier to solve these harder problems now even if I'm not much of a problem solver myself and more of the dude who tells the things that happen as exagerratedly emo as possible. See, I used the word emo, I never used that before my hibernation!

Is my little boy back to his mushy, cheesy, corny old ways? Well, no, he seems to need me for a completely different reason now, I have no idea what, I just do what I'm told now, no longer telling him how to do things *sniff*. This puts a tear in the eye, he's so grown-up, he actually got over me, and now he needs me to be better.

No, not much of the mushy stuff, maybe a little here and there, but I'm back, ladies and gentlemen, Cilva is back.

Finally

30 August 2008

(isang pagpapatunay na hindi mo kelangan ng experience sa isang experience para gumawa ng literature tungkol sa experience na yun)

 

Finaly you're here, I don't have to watch disney movies all alone,

Somebody to eat my popcorn, drink my soda, grab my arm,

Somebody to hold my hand in the cold movie theatre.

 

Finally you're here, I feel so humbled by your existence,

I feel like I'm not so great but still so great simply because you're there.

You're there cause I'm here, and I'm here near your 'there'.

 

Finally you're beside me, so this is how it feels like,

To finally like somebody who actually like me back,

To finally look at my side and see somebody there leaning on my shoulder.

 

Finally you're here, I don't have to cry foe stupid reasons anymore,

Just beautiful, confusing, cheesy reasons,

Beautiful, confusing, and cheesy reasons, reasons like love.

 

Finally walking in the rain doesn't feel as pathetic, much more romantic,

Lying in the grass doesn't seem as pointless,

Anything and everything just seems to make more sense, with you.

 

Finally you're here, I don't know what else to say,

And I don't seem to care anyway,

As long as you stay.

 

Finally.

 

(Maraming salamat sa pagbabasa)