The God Question

30 October 2010

Being raised in the environment I have been, it's hard not to believe in a supreme being that is out there,  a god if you will. But I must say that I cannot believe he actually gives a crap about what we do with our lives.

I can't live my life according to the teachings of some group of elders interpreting some book that was written by people who lived in places and times that are that different to mine. If I'm gonna live a life I must live according to multiple books, all books if possible. Not according to some code of rights and wrong but to the just and fair I learn a long the way.

My life is my bible, the world is my prophet, and I am my own messiah.

You Were Crying

07 August 2010

I had a dream sometime back, I don't remember much of it now.

Just the bits, Just some pieces.

It was a vacation outing of sorts in a place that looked very much like the one they went to at that teen movie, TRIP, I think it's called. It was the gang, the usual bunch, there we're many of us.

You were crying, sitting in some deck of sorts, with wooden planks for a floor. You were scared, I think, or maybe your mom called and told you bad news, I can't remember.

I promised you I'll be there, I said I always have been, I asked you to let me hold you forever.

You and me became us, we were happy, you smiled at me over your shoulder as you led me to the pier to watch the sunset. I tied balloons to cat tails so you can pop them with your blow gun as the cats chased mechanical rats. I arranged your closet for you, you fixed my apartment door.

I was holding you in my arms as we sit at the Sunken Garden in my dreams when I awoke, My laptop left open in front of me.

I had a dream sometime back, and some more before that.

I had a dream some time back, I still do.

Meeting in Between

01 March 2010

Someday, and that day may never come, I will see you in the street and you will smile at me. You will walk towards where I am and I will walk towards where you are, we will say our hellos and never need to say our goodbyes. Maybe someday we will meet in between. You will love me liked I always have and I will no longer treat you as something more than just a dream.

Someday, maybe someday, we will fail to see the world as it spins its spells around us. Together in a future dream our dreams will be one.

One day, or so I pray, I can live on the air you breathe. You can live life you always wanted, the difference is that you live it with me. And I will forget whatever hopes I had because to be with you is living dream.

Maybe one day, maybe someday, maybe never. Forever can be made real thing, eternity will be an item, infinity can be personified into one you and all of me.

I Remember my Dreams (201st blog entry)

19 November 2009

(yep, you read it right, this is my 201st blog entry, wow, that's like, 200 entries after the first one. Might be, not really sure, I'm pretty lousy at math. Don't bother counting every entry here, some are exclusive to different people, I think I only have three people who can see every entry there is. Instead of doing what I did on the 101st blog entry where I highlight certain really cool entries I had in the past I'd rather talk about something that has bothered me by a bit, something that makes me realize what kind of person I am becoming)

I am young, I know that, I admit, no matter how much I want to grow up really fast I am still young. 20 years of life doesn't really constitute that I have enough experience to be considered old, or at the very least, mature. When I was a younger boy I had dreams, I wanted to be a fireman, an Indian chief, a Soldier, the President. I wanted to be a lot of things, I was younger and much more ignorant than I am now. Gaining more years of life I have dreamed more practical things, to be a journalist, to be a teacher, to be a writer. I actually tried a little for those roads, I have given up sometime between trying and beginning. I was young, I was ignorant, I had no idea what the world was like, I am grateful that I now know what kind of life there is for someone who quits and does not pursue such dreams, I am grateful to lose that ignorance. But I regret losing my dreams.

Imagine this universe, a box of endless possibilities everyday, imagine all of the things I could have done and could have been had I only acted upon these possibilities. But here I am reading web comics and posting replies to social networking sites, downloading games and funny pictures and pornography. Sending out resumes via the internet because the 500 pesos I have won't be enough for me to go to companies myself. I still haven't finished my clearance at the previous company I worked for because of issues that are caused by incompetence and laziness and irresponsibility. Everyday of my life seems like a repetition of yesterday where the only difference is the dates on my calendars and the level of my characters in the video games I play. Where have my dreams gone? What happened to my hopes and goals that have been reduced to getting a job and getting out of the house once in a while. What has become of me?

I know I have my dreams somewhere, I can feel the disappointment at myself for living a life of stagnation and idiocy. I feel the anger at myself for forgetting about what I should be doing to achieve my dreams. I am afraid of the tomorrow whether it would end this monotony for the better or for the worse for I do not know how to live a life other than this sensation of falling. Yes, I am no longer on the edge, I am falling from the cliff I myself jumped from, it is such a lengthy fall that the fear, the sadness, the curiosity and the boredom have been taking turns at me for several repetitions now. I have always thought I was grasping at the straws of security, I haven't realized the straws have ripped off long ago.

I have forgotten, forgive me, whoever may, or whoever would have the urge to, forgive me. I threw myself into the furnace and melted into a molten soul, fitted into a mold. I have become scared of my dreams as well ass used them as an excuse for incompetence and irresponsibility. I now fear judgement for I know it will be just, and I will be punished, if the burden I bear now is not punishment enough for my lies, misdeeds, evil thoughts and incompetence.

As I write this the rain has started to fall, and it reminds me of tears I will not allow myself to shed for myself. I may not be excused from this anguish, I refuse to provide myself relief from the pain. This is my pain and I deserve it, I shall make this the greatest day of my life, the acknowledgement of failure and pain and refusing to give the blame to anyone except myself.

Thank you for sharing this moment with me. My names are Ernest Jean Angeles, estongdakila, Jun Palma, and Cilva. I have spoken these words so you may slap me in the face or throw me a pail of cold water. I remember my dreams now, and I pray you never forget yours. Screw the World and it's walls, I have dreams, I shall live them.

Frisco 1

08 August 2009

strum-strum-strum

Sa kwarto ni Frisco, wala kang makitang pader, puro mga larawan ng mga nagtatawanang tao, mga poster ng mga concert ilang taon, buwan, linggo na ang nakakaraan ginanap, mga poster ng mga banda, mga album cover na pina-enlarge, mga drowing sa cartolina, mga leaflet, kung anu-ano. Hindi ka makakapag sindi ng posporo na wala kang nasisindihang papel, ganun ka puno, patong-patong pa, parang sumikip na nga yung kwarto dahil sa kapal nang mga tse-tseburetse sa pader.

Strum

Tumitipa si Frisco, sa bawat strum ay titigil at hihinga ng malalim, parang hinihigop mula sa hangin ang tunog na nalikha n'ya. Paulit-ulit, strum, tigil, strum, tigil, strum, tigil. Matapos maka ilang ulit ay nagtuloy-tuloy, nagkabit kabit ang mga pirapirasong musika n'ya, naging kanta. Naging parang kanta, basta, musika, ang galing, ultimo mga daga sa ding-ding ay napatigil sa pagngatngat ng kahoy, pumapalakpak ang tenga ng mga daga, ganun s'ya kagaling.

Tumigil si Frisco.

Umulit sa simula, ngayon naman ay kumakanta na s'ya, isang kantang parang isang libong karayom, napuno ang kwarto n'ya ng malamig na boses, malungkot na boses, malungkot na awit, kung titignan mong mabuti, mapapansin mong maluha-luha na sa poster n'ya si Kurt Cobain, nagheheadbang na ng konti si Rico Blanco, at parang nabubura ang mga ngiti sa mga larawan, parang gusto nang mamatay ng daga sa loob nung dingding. Parang sinusulat na ng boses ni Frisco sa hangin ang mismong mga salita, mababasa mo ang isang kwento ng pag-ibig, kay sayang pag-ibig, pag-ibig na hindi naman pala totoo, ilusyon, nagpapanggap.

Tumigil si Frisco, ngumiti, at nagsindi ng posporo.

O' Gabi

03 August 2009

O Gabi, ikaw na s'yang kumot ng dilim,

Yakap ng lamig,

at balot ng tahimik.

Itago mo ako

Sa iyong mga bisig,

Yakapin sa iyong dib-dib

Nang ako'y hindi na matakot.

O Gabi, ang puso ko'y humihiram,

Sa kapa mong itim

ng kaunting pagtago

Sa puso kong duwag

na may matapang na pag-ibig.

O Gabi, lunurin mo siya

Sa apoy ng aking payapa

at di mapaslang na pagkahimbing

sa kanyang ganda.

Na umaagaw ng liwanag sa iyong mga tala.

O Gabi, ikaw na sumumpa

Sa kaluluwa kong hilaw

Na mapain sa karagatan

ng mabangis na pag-ibig

Gabi-gabi'y nabibingwit,

at sa iyong pamamahinga,

muling pinawawalan,

para lamang madagit ulit,

sa iyong pagbabalik.

O Gabi, sakit man ito o lunas

pangako ko sa iyong iiwan,

Hindi hihimbing akong iyong isinilang

Hangga't ikaw ang Dumadatu sa Kalangitan.

Kay Malungkutin

26 July 2009

Naiinis ako,

Naiinis ako hindi dahil sa may mali kang ginawa, o dahil sa may napuna akong maling naganap, o dahil sa gusto ko lang mainis; ayoko sana mainis, kaso naiinis na nga ako, ano na magagawa ko, pero hindi ako sa'yo naiinis, naiinis ako sa ugali nangyayari sa'yo, sa ginagawa mo sa sarili mo.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, pakiramdam ko ay may dapat akong gawin, dapat kitang tulungan, payuhan, awayin na din siguro. Gusto kitang tulungan, pero paano naman kung ikaw lang ang may alam ng pinoproblema mo?

Hindi ko nga siguro maiintindihan ang hinahanap mo sa pagsasama, hindi ko nga siguro naiintindihan kung ano ang problema, hindi ako ikaw at hindi ko nakikita ang mundo sa mga mata mo, o inaalisa ito gamit ang isip mo. Ang meron ako ay ang mata ko lang at ang isip ko lang, pero meron din akong tainga, meron din akong bibig, pedeng makinig, at madalas nga'y kahit di mo naman hingin, o di mo man gustuhin, nagpapayo, nagtatanong, nagbibigay ng dahilan, depinsiyon, at paminsan-minsang solusyon.

Nakukulangan ka ba sa akin, sa kaniya, sa atin, sa pagsasama? Nawawala ba? Hinahanap mo ba? Hindi mo makita? Ayaw ba bumalik? Hindi mo alam kung paano pababalikin? Para kang nagyoyo na bumuhol yung pisi, maibabato mo, pero hindi gugulong pabalik.

Sabi ko magsabi ka, kasi pareho tayong hindi marunong. Hindi ka marunong mamroblema at di naman ako marunong kumilala ng problema ng iba, ilan beses ko ba dapat sabihing hindi ka nag-iisa?

Kaibigan mo ako, hindi dahil sa dineklara nating magkaibigan tayo, kundi dahil gusto kitang tao, at mabait ka sa akin. Kaibigan mo ako kasi gusto ko kaibigan kita, at hindi kita pwede maging kaibigan ng hindi mo rin ako nagiging kaibigan sa proseso, kaya umayos ka, tumayo ka d'yan, tigilan natin tong kadramahang ito at pagusapan natin ng matino.

Tae, akala ko ako na yung malungkutin. Tara na.

Ctrl + Alt + Down Arrow

13 July 2009

(Inaapropriate ba yung blog title? Wala, ganyan ang mundo ko ngayon, and I like it. Alam n'yo namang pag ganito ka walang kwenta at di pinag-isipan ang blog ko, malamang wala lang ako ma-blog. )

Pana-Ginaw

Dinudungaw ka ng mga mata kong pang dilim,

Ang Buwan ay niyayakap ng usok

na tumatabing sa mga bituin

Mulat pa ang mga mata'y naghihimbing na

sa iyong mga kamay.

Pinatutulog mo ako,

Dahil di makapaniwala ang isip

na hindi ka isang panaginip.

Nilulunod ng iyong kislap

Ang pag-iisa

Giniginaw ako sa init ng iyong kamay

Inaagaw mo ang aking puso

Kahit hindi ka malay

Nagagawa mo.

Para sa Kaibigan Kong Tahimik

28 June 2009

Hindi ko alam, pero tingin ko ay paraan mo iyan, ang pag-iisip na may ibang tao sa loob ng isipan mo, ibang nag-iisip bukod sa sarili mo, para ilayo ang sarili mo, para ipagtanggol ang sarili mo, para umiwas masaktan. O sa kaso sigurong ito, masaktan pa ng higit sa sakit na dinaranass mo na. Hindi sa pinabababa ko ang halaga ng isa mong katauhan, alam mo namang ikaw din iyan, kilala mo si'ya, sabay kayong lumaki, at pag nasasaktan ka ay s'ya ang umiiyak, iba naman ang tatawa, ang sisigaw, ang magagalit para sa iyo, may mga iba. Pero ikaw lahat sila, hindi sila mga anino o pekeng tao na inimbento mo, dahil hindi naman yata posibleng maimbento ng isang tao ang sarili nya, at sa kaso mo paulit-ulit pa.

Patawad sa pagdag-dag ko sa dahilan ng kalungkutan mo, pero ang mga bagay kapag masyado nating iniisip ay nakakalungkot lang ang ending parati, kapag masyado mo iniisip ay laging may nawala, laging iba ang ngayon, dahil ganoon naman talaga dapat, iba ang ngayon, ako man ay nahihirapang tanggapin iyon. Hindi ko sinasabing hindi mo alam ang mga ito, pero baka lang naman sa dami ng salitang bibitawan ko ay may isa man lang na makapag sabi ng tama.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto ko sabihin sa iyo ang mga ito, siguro dahil nadadama ko pa rin ang lungkot, ang paghahanap, ang inis at irita mo sa mga nangyari, at sa hindi nangyari. Alam kong ayaw mo ng tali sa nakaraan, pero ang tali ay nariyan pa rin, hindi nawawala ang mga bagay dahil lang hindi na tayo naniniwala dito.

Nawalan ka ba ng paniniwala? Paniniwala sa mga pangalang tinatawag sa sama-samang bagay tulad ng kakwentuhan, kalokohan, tawanan, bigayan ng payo, pinagsamahan at iba pa. Paniniwala na pag-dumaan ka ay nandun din ako para sa'yo, tulad ng pagdaan mo para sa akin, o sa amin.

Alam mo ang pangunahing pinagkaiba natin? Ako ay mahilig sa mga pangalan, mga bansag, mga depinisyon, ikaw ay sa pagkakaroon ng madaming depinisyon ng iisang bagay. Ako sa mga salitang habambuhay, palagi, lahat, Ikaw sa kawalan ng bagay na hindi magbabago.

Ititigil ko na nga ang panghuhula sa kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan mo, basta naniniwala akong natatakot ka lang sa katapusan ng mga bagay na nagugustuhan mong nariyan. kahit sino naman e, iba lang ang pagdadala mo sa takot. Ngayon, ako man ay natatakot, natatakot akong tinatakot kita, natatakot ako na maging dahilan para matakot ka pa lalo sa mga bagay na kinakatakutan mo.

Eto nanaman ako't ginagawang importante ang sarili ko.

Huwag kang makinig sa sarili mo, hindi pa tapos ang mundo, at hindi ka pa baliw. Yaang kapit mo sa katotohanan ang dahilan kaya mo naiisip ang mga iyan, isang pag aanalisa ng mundo, ng mga kaganapan, ng mga tao sa paligid ang nagbibigay sa'yo ng ilusyong nababaliw ka na. Pero matatawa ka dahil alam mong hindi ka pa nababaliw, dahil totoo naman ang nakikita mo, yun nga lang, duon ka nakatutok sa malaking wrecking ball na papunta sa'yo at hindi sa maliit na butas sa ilalim na pede mong patihulugan para di ka tamaan.

Hindi ko alam kung may nasabi akong matino, pero may nasabi ako, yuon ang importante, kaya ikaw, magsasabi ka, dahil kung di mo makita ay ituturo ko sa'yo.

Bus Rides and Thunderclaps

22 May 2009

Screw Psychology, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder.

I ride buses to and from work and my thoughts have been flying and landing on your trees, on your land, on you, the thought of you.

You have a personality stronger than mine, you are someone I actually want to struggle hard to impress. I don't even know what I can offer you to make you even consider listening to me, I just have myself, my hopelessly romantic heart, my fragmented mind, my unfed soul, my overdramatized life. I can be your stuff toy perhaps, your compliment machine, maybe just someone to talk to, someone to share stuff with, someone you can probably find from someone else. I've got nothing, it's the worst offer in the world.

How many conversations have we had? I mean talking for more than two minutes? I can remember laughing with you during the first time, I remember molding stuff on your rubber eraser the second time, I remember walking with you on a beautiful night (almost as beautiful as you), I writing a million words about something happening to me that I know hasn't happened for a long time. I remember because there is no other option, I cannot forget.

I take the bus home and the sun is already high in the sky, I feel the heat on my skin, the wind blows on my skin and I by its howl I cannot hear a thing but a memory of you, laughing. I ride and I ride alone sitting inside a metal box with strangers, and all I can think of is how much better life could be made if only I had you even for that moment beside me. Even if you say nothing, even if you ignore me, even if you don't even know I'm there, just having you near.

I wish I could see you, have you alone for even just a minute, just enough for me to tell you up front, to tell you myself, because i know you hate it when I say stuff like this where other people can read.

_______________________________________________

 

I want to be a thunderclap, for it comes always after lightning.

Colors/Firefly/Vanilla/Methapor

10 May 2009

I am a gray spot in a pastel room,

You are the colors that murder my gloom.

I am the withered leaf that dies on the grass.

You are the grass.

 

I am a brick on the edge of a cliff,

Waiting for you to give me a kick.

You are a firefly in a glass jar,

I am the stone that will break it.

 

You are the train that leaves at dawn,

I am the passenger that wakes up at noon.

I am the vanilla flavored ice cream,

You are the chocolate loving kid.

 

You are the coach, scouting for youth,

I am the bench player you never see play.

You are book of poetry, on beauty and love.

I am the metaphor.

Tunay

29 April 2009

Naramdaman mo na ba yung parang gusto mo na ilabas sa buong mundo kung sino ang buong ikaw, lahat ng mali mo, lahat ng sugat mo, ultimo pimples sa pwit mo, kahit tae na pinapahid mo sa tuhod mo gusto mo na sabihin sa mundo. Wala na lang silang masabi na nagpapanggap ka, na may tinatago ka. Para maintindihan nila kung bakit ka ganyan, kung bakit ka kinikilig sa pelikula ni John Llyod at Bea, kung bakit ka natatakot umuwi sa sariling bahay, kung bakit ka pumupunta sa top floor ng carpark ng mga mall para lang umiyak.

Tapos maiisip mo na hindi mo pala kaya ilabas, hindi dahil may gusto ko pa itago kundi dahil talagang hindi naman posible ilabas, hindi pwede isalin sa salita ang lahat ng bakit, ano, paano at gaano ng buhay mo. Hindi mo din kaya ipaliwanag kung bakit ka nahihiya kumain kasama ang pamilya ng iba at nalulungkot kumain mag-isa. Kung bakit ayaw mo na pumasok sa iskwelahan at kung bakit nagmamadali ka tumanda. Wala kang maibigay na eksplenasyon sa mga maliliit at malalaki mong kaartehan, kalibugan, kagaguhan at kapraningan. Wala ka pa lang alam tungkol sa sarili mo, o kung meron man e wala kang kakayahan sabihin ito sa iba.

At nung malaman mo yun ay mababadtrip ka dahil babagsak na sa'yo na ikaw lang talaga ang pwede magdala ng sarili mo, hindi mo pwede ipaintindi sa iba dahil iniintindi din nila ang mga sarili nila. Maiintindihan mo, pero ikababanas mo pa rin na walang totoong makaka alam kung bakit ka ganyan, hindi ka matatanggap ng kahit sino dahil sa alam nila kung bakit, tinatanggap ka na lang nila kahit di nila alam. At maiiyak ka sa ideya na ang mga hindi makatanggap sa iyo ay hindi ka man lang maiintindihan. Hindi man lang nila masasabi sa sarili nila na "Kaya s'ya ganyan kasi ganito, pero ayoko pa rin sa kanya.". Bubuo na lang sila ng mga maling dahilan sa kung bakit ka ganyan, hindi mo man alam kung ano ang tamang dahilan maiinis ka dahil alam mong hindi iyon yun.

Tapos mapapaiyak ka ulit hanggang sa hindi mo na alam kung ano gagawin mo, gusto mo malaman nila kung sino ka, gusto mo malaman kung sino ka. Gusto mo ilagay yuon sa isang flash drive at ilagay na lang sa mga PC ng mga tao para ma-gets na nila kung sino ka, para gawing paliwanag yuon sa mga pagkakamali mo, para hindi ka na titingin sa kamatayan bilang isang perpektong paraan para matapos ang paghahanap sa pagintindi. Tapos marerealize mo na ang emo mo dahil tingin mo walang nakakaintindi sa'yo, pero babalik ka ulit sa ideya na wala naman talagang kaya umintindi kahit kanino, nagkataon lang na gusto mong maintindihan ka.

Hanggang sa ang mga tawanan ay hindi na sapat para mapasaya ka, hanggang sa ang iyakan ay hindi na sapat na labasan ng lungkot, hanggang sa kahit madurog mo na ang mga pader ay hindi pa sapat iyon na paglalabas ng muhi, ng suklam, ng galit sa sarili at sa mundo. Hanggang sa umulit ka na lang, paulit-ulit ka lang, sa pagiyak, pag muhi, pag tawa, pag iyak at pag muhi. Paulit-ulit na pangangailangan sa pagintindi na paulit-ulit mong nalilimutan na hindi naman darating.

 

Naramdaman mo na ba yun?

Keep That Shit Away From Me

08 February 2009

So that's what karma is, shit causes shit causing more shit.

Right now, everything is just so fucked up, nothing is going right and I'm grasping at straws grasping at thinner straws.

I guess there's not much else to write,

Welcome to my Life.

You have a Cruel way of saying Shut-Up

01 February 2009

(I am sorry, this might offend you, embarass you, or piss you off, as much as the others have, so don't read it if you just wish you haven't)

You could have told me to shut-up, I mean really tell me, actually tell me, say it in words, but you just had to do that, that, you know what that is. Now I can't shut-up, now I just have to keep writing until somebody cuts my fingers of.

Does it offend you that somebody likes you? Does it offend you that I am not courageous enough to tell you that I like you, I like you so much I might actually love you but refuse to say so just because I don't know what it means to love? Then you could've PMed me or something, IMed me or something, slapped me in the face or something like that! You just took the words out of the air, please just slap me instead.

I know I don't exactly have to right to say anything about not directly saying what's meant to say, I haven't told you anything, never mentioned nothing, and when I finally tried to say something a little bit closer to it than what I've done, now I don't know if I pissed you off or if you don't want others to know about it then I start thinking what's the point of me doing all this? I'm not confident enough to say it to you in person and I admit that and I'm too stupid not to put it in my blog because this damn thing is the only thing that I can pretend actually listens to me when I rant like this.

Now I can't even go on ranting like this, I like you too much to rant any more than I already have, I am sorry, but next time I see you, I will have to quit shutting up my blood, I can't live like this anymore.

Past Tensed

19 December 2008

Nope, wrong use of words, not in the past tense I'm afraid. It should be in present tense and I wouldn't use too light a noun to pertain to that specific awkwardness you detect from the most obvious of clues. But of course, it's you, not me, so why should I care what words you use.

Disturbingly, you have asked the question at the perfect point of my current state, I am neither too eager nor too bored, neither too scared nor floating in response to the effects of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Unfortunately, the question, though concerning certain characters was not addressed to certain character, though addressed to character who is certain of answer but not in any real position to answer at certain point of time.

There's not much point trying to say too much really, I just want to say, Yes, you are right in your hunch and look a little farther back in the history of my writing and you will prove how correct you are. I am dissappointed that it took you this long, but maybe its better this way. Yes, they were for you, and may they stand and say whatever they were bent on saying in the first place. I already wrote them, I should not bother to say what my past works had to say, so there.

Do please not hate me for this, I feel incredibly foolish just writing in this specific tone, more so writing what I have just written above in this specific manner. May my foolishness be enough to pacify any annoyance you might have for this bit of new information you acquired, I'm a coward, really, this is as brave as I can muster at this moment, perhaps you can give me another moment, lets try my gonads then.

Thank you and good day.

metapora

15 December 2008

Kung ang Sunken Garden sa gabi

Ay Metapora ng Kalawakan

Edi ang mga natitirang Liwanag sa gusali'y mga bituin

Ang mga sasakyang dumadaa'y mga bulalakaw

Ikaw ang Buwan

At ako Ulap na yayakap sa iyo.

Isa nanamang Liham na Hindi na naman mababasa ng Pinatutunguan

02 December 2008

Ayoko na,

Masyado na akong nabuburyong sa pagbabakasakali na ikaw ay dadaan o sisilip man lang kahit dalawang segundo lang. Ang unang segundo para makapagkunwari akong hindi pa kita napansin nuong papalapit ka pa lang, ang ikalawa para dumikit man lang sa isip ko na ikaw nga ang nadiyan at hindi isang mahabang guni-guni lamang, tulad ng madami kong ibang guni-guni. Ayoko na, ayoko nang hintayin ka pa, hindi na ako mauupo sa parehong pwesto para lang umasa na darating ka. Hindi na rin ako magdadalawang-isip umalis sa kinauupuan ko sa takot na baka sa pag-alis ko'y dumating ka at hindi ko masulit ang ginintuang pagkakataon. Ayoko na, kailangan ko nang umusad, inipit mo ako sa gitna ng gising at panaginip, pero hindi isang gising na panaginip kundi isang tulog na katotohanan.

Ayoko na, ayoko nang nanaginip sa gabi ng mga korning panaginip. Panaginip na nakakainis iwanan para sa tunay na mundo. Ayoko nang nakikita kang nakangiti sa aking tabi, nagkukwento ng masasaya at malulungkot sa ilalim ng itim na kurtinang sinabuyan ng mga mumunting ikaw, aking bituin, para lamang magising at bumungad sa akin ang malungkot na kisame, o tahimik na pader, o matigas na unan.

Gusto ko nang gumawa ng paraan, gawing tunay ang panaginip, o di kaya'y gisingin ang sarili sa katotohanan. O kaya sabay, gisingin ang sarili sa katotohanan na hindi magiging tunay ang panaginip kung manatili akong tulog, o gising pero di kumikilos. Kikilos ako, hindi para sa kung ano mang dahilan kundi para sa iyo, dahil ayokong hindi ako nagiging matapat sa'yo. Napakadungis ko sa mga sikretong tinatato naman sa balat, sikretong bukas para basahin, ayaw ko nang bihisan ang sarili huwag mo lang mabasa, ipababasa ko na, bahala ka na sa lahat ng pagkatapos.

Ayoko na, dahil gusto ko, oo madami akong gusto, pero may mas gusto ako, pinaka gusto kumbaga, at tingin ko, kandidato ka para duon.

Mahilig Ako sa Gabi

13 November 2008

Mahilig ako sa gabi, walang context, ako lang ba ang nakaisip ng context? Basta, gusto ko talaga ang gabi, yung dilim, yung bilog na bilog na buwan, tulad ngayon, yung madilim, yung mga ulap, yung mga poste ng ilaw, lalo na kung mahina yung ilaw, tapos yung lumang bumbilya na dilaw yung ilaw, ang galing, nakakaiyak sa ganda.

Madami akong ala-ala sa gabi, andun yung nagsesenti ako sa kwarto nung bata pa ako habang naghihintay na may dumaang witch sa ilaw ng buwan sa bintana namin, yung bintana na sliding, yung kahoy na may squares na mother-of-pearl. Galing.

Naalala ko nung hayskul, kapag tumetengga ako sa kwarto ko ng gabi, kahit pinapapak na ako ng lamok e iiwan ko pa rin bukas ang bintana para makita ko ang buwan at mahanginan ako ng hangin ng gabi. Masarap magsulat, kahit wala ako masyado nasusulat pag gabi, at puro tulang eng-eng ang gawa ko no'n. Masarap mag-isip, magplano ng future, ngayon kasi hanggang bukas na lang ang future na napaplano ko.

Naalala ko din nung nagsusulat ako ng tula nung hayskul sa sementeryo, malawak na damuhang sementeryo, gabi nun at undas, yun yata ang una kong sunken garden moment, basta, iba ang epekto n'ya sa akin.

Ngayon gusto ko talaga ang gabi sa UP, yung UP fair, yung mahaba na kulitan sa sunken pagkatapos ng Lantern Parade, yung mga tambay lang, nagkadalahang kwentuhan pagkatapos ng klase, uuwi na lubog na ang araw. Kung wala lang akong anxiety sa pagpapagabi ay ako na ang pinakamasayang tao sa buong mundo tuwing ginagabi ako sa UP.

Isama mo na yung usok ng sigarilyo, yung pagtengga na walang pakialam, yung happy-go-lucky ko na moda, yung pagkalimot sa madaming bagay at madaming maling desisyon na nagdala ng madami kong problema.

Andun na din yung paglalakad sa Univ Ave galing sa mga concert, masaya, nakakatuwa. Paborito ko pa rin yung sa Acad oval, mas maganda tignan yung mga jeep, kotse, at poste ng ilaw, pati na din yung mangilan-ngilan na bukas na ilaw sa mga bilding. Yung gabi, yung kwentuhan na naimpluwensyahan na ng gabi, parang droga, bangag ka na sa epekto ng lahat ng elemento. Lahat ng bagay gumaganda, kahit ano, o sino, na akala mo wala nang igaganda pa, pinagaganda ng gabi.

Kaya nakaka inlab yang gabi, mahilig ako sa gabi, siguro nga mahilig din ako 'pag' gabi. Ewan ko, basta masarap sa gabi, tara, gusto ko mag pagabi. Kung mamamatay ako, gusto ko sa gabi, sa malawak na lugar na kita ko ang madaming liwanag at dinig ko ang mga ingay, pero walang nakakakita sa akin, di ako nakikitang ngumiti para mag-paalam sa pinakamamahal kong kadiliman.

Mahiwaga

12 November 2008

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Gagawa ako ng Mahiwaga.

ha?

Mahiwaga.

Maghihiwa ka ng baga?

Hinde, tanga. Mahiwaga.

Anong ibig mo sabihin?

Ano ba sa'yo ang mahiwaga?

Bakit ako na ang tinatanong mo?

Wala naman pinagkaiba iyon, kung ikaw man o ako ang magtanong.

 

Ano ang gagawin mo sa huling araw ng buhay mo?

Magiging mahiwaga.

Ayan ka nanaman e.

Hinde, ayan ka nanaman.

Ikaw ang nagsimula.

Ako nga ba? O Ikaw? May pinagkaiba pa ba?

 

Hoy.

Bakit?

Alam ko na ang ibig mong sabihin.

Hiwaga?

Mahiwaga.

O.

Pagtataka, pagtataka sa lahat, pagtatanong. Pagdanas ng pagkahiwaga sa lahat ng bagay. Sa lahat ng oras, o natitirang oras, ay makita ang mundo at hindi maintindihang kagandahan nito, o kapangitan nito. Pero...

Pero walang pagnanais o pangangailangan ng pag intindi.

Oo.

Iyan ba ang ibig ko sabihin?

Hindi mo alam?

Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo?

 

Ano ba?

Anong ano ba?

Gusto ko gumawa ng Hiwaga.

Mahiwaga.

Oo, kung ano man iyon.

Bakit?

Huling araw na ng buhay ko.

Idiniklera mo o idiniklera sa iyo?

May pinagkaiba ba iyon?

Oo.

Kung ganoon edi idiniklera ko.

Ah, kung ganoon edi gagawa na din ako.

Bakit? Ginagaya mo ako?

Ikaw, ginagaya mo ako?

Sino ka ba?

Hindi ba malaking kahangalan ang tanong mong 'yan?

Ha?

Dapat ka na ngang mamatay.

Ano?

Hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mong mukha.

Please Read, Badly Needing Advice: On my Grades, my Life, and Love

31 October 2008

(bear the first two paragraphs, I wrote them when I was still in a terrible mood, if you can't bear them then just skip to the fourth paragraph)

I hate my life, and here I go ranting about what a pathetic life I have and then people would say "No Ernie, you don't have a pathetic life!" or "Look, some lives are worse than yours." I say fuck off, I'm pissed at myself and am very much willing to be pissed at right about anyone else too, so give me a goddamn break. And yeah, I expect people to read this shit and I don't care if I end up insulting them while reading it. Look at this way, people of the blue earth, this damn thing would be a worse insult to myself than it would be to you. No, I won't calm down, and all you voices in my head can shut up too.

I have a pathetic life, I just said that, I know I did, and now I'm gonna start explaining why so that's why I said it again. My grades suck, suck badly, its like I'm not in school, and its true, I go to school barely going to school and I go there just to have fun, and I see it as good thing now because otherwise I'd be out of school a year ago if I didn't have fun at school. I'd be so much a blooming loser now if I'm not going to school, I'd probably be dead now if I wasn't in school, and the thing that rates how good you are at school says I suck at school, I hate grades. I always say I don't care about my grades, well I was lying, I do, I'm just used to not having to worry about them because I get good grades anyway that now I'm pissed of that I can't get grades my way. But I'm in a fucking school, its gotta be their way, fuck that.

If you've haven't noticed I used fuck a couple of times, well I don't fuck-off like this unless I'm really pissed and it aint just pissed-pissed, it's sad-pissed, I hate being sad, it pisses me off. Its just that I can't get a job and I feel so fucking strangled at home. I can't move, I can't do stuff my way, and even if my way doesn't always work I can't work or see myself doing stuff any other way, I like my way, my way is ambitious and cool. I don't want to live a boring life now I feel like I'm not living a life at all if its a boring life.

And there's this love thing, I think I'm fucking in love, and I use 'fucking' as an adjective there. The problem is I don't if its real or I'm just fooling with my own head, maybe all this talk about myself being so fucking pathetic make me feel so desperate that I just search for love everywhere. I hate it, I'm fucking embarassed by it, I like this girl bad, so bad, I don't know what to call it, I hate calling it love, I hate that word. And I like this other girl too and she somebody I've been with a bit longer. And to add to this confusion there's this girl hanging around, and I don't know what she's about, she's been there for a long time but I've been noticing she's been a bit different as if she's trying to say something. I don't know, this stuff is just coming back and it doesn't help that this feels too highschool to me, I'm embarassed blogging all this, really, I am.

I don't know, I'm such a coward, maybe I need counseling. But just the thought of getting counseling is troubling me, I mean, with all the chains I'm in, will I be allowed to? Will they understand? Who will understand? Those who chain me are those who've been with me for a longer time, those who me know since I was a kid, and I'm thinking, what if they're right? What if I am a pathetic guy, what if all that she says when she gives me a sermon are true. I mean, I know some of them are true, but what if I am going nowhere, what if I am a really bad person.

And then there's the Questions I ask to myself, what if I am not fit for school, what if I get kicked-out, what if I'm not a great writer, what if this is as good as I get, what if my friends won't be there forever, what if I disappoint everyone, my mom, my family, my friends, myself, and even my dad's legacy?

What if I don't deserve to be Loved?

Talk to me, give me words, whatever, insult me, provoke me, hate me, help me, just talk to me. Thank you for bearing this with me. AMEN to all who read this all, if there are gods, may they bless your souls.