31 October 2008
(bear the first two paragraphs, I wrote them when I was still in a terrible mood, if you can't bear them then just skip to the fourth paragraph)
I hate my life, and here I go ranting about what a pathetic life I have and then people would say "No Ernie, you don't have a pathetic life!" or "Look, some lives are worse than yours." I say fuck off, I'm pissed at myself and am very much willing to be pissed at right about anyone else too, so give me a goddamn break. And yeah, I expect people to read this shit and I don't care if I end up insulting them while reading it. Look at this way, people of the blue earth, this damn thing would be a worse insult to myself than it would be to you. No, I won't calm down, and all you voices in my head can shut up too.
I have a pathetic life, I just said that, I know I did, and now I'm gonna start explaining why so that's why I said it again. My grades suck, suck badly, its like I'm not in school, and its true, I go to school barely going to school and I go there just to have fun, and I see it as good thing now because otherwise I'd be out of school a year ago if I didn't have fun at school. I'd be so much a blooming loser now if I'm not going to school, I'd probably be dead now if I wasn't in school, and the thing that rates how good you are at school says I suck at school, I hate grades. I always say I don't care about my grades, well I was lying, I do, I'm just used to not having to worry about them because I get good grades anyway that now I'm pissed of that I can't get grades my way. But I'm in a fucking school, its gotta be their way, fuck that.
If you've haven't noticed I used fuck a couple of times, well I don't fuck-off like this unless I'm really pissed and it aint just pissed-pissed, it's sad-pissed, I hate being sad, it pisses me off. Its just that I can't get a job and I feel so fucking strangled at home. I can't move, I can't do stuff my way, and even if my way doesn't always work I can't work or see myself doing stuff any other way, I like my way, my way is ambitious and cool. I don't want to live a boring life now I feel like I'm not living a life at all if its a boring life.
And there's this love thing, I think I'm fucking in love, and I use 'fucking' as an adjective there. The problem is I don't if its real or I'm just fooling with my own head, maybe all this talk about myself being so fucking pathetic make me feel so desperate that I just search for love everywhere. I hate it, I'm fucking embarassed by it, I like this girl bad, so bad, I don't know what to call it, I hate calling it love, I hate that word. And I like this other girl too and she somebody I've been with a bit longer. And to add to this confusion there's this girl hanging around, and I don't know what she's about, she's been there for a long time but I've been noticing she's been a bit different as if she's trying to say something. I don't know, this stuff is just coming back and it doesn't help that this feels too highschool to me, I'm embarassed blogging all this, really, I am.
I don't know, I'm such a coward, maybe I need counseling. But just the thought of getting counseling is troubling me, I mean, with all the chains I'm in, will I be allowed to? Will they understand? Who will understand? Those who chain me are those who've been with me for a longer time, those who me know since I was a kid, and I'm thinking, what if they're right? What if I am a pathetic guy, what if all that she says when she gives me a sermon are true. I mean, I know some of them are true, but what if I am going nowhere, what if I am a really bad person.
And then there's the Questions I ask to myself, what if I am not fit for school, what if I get kicked-out, what if I'm not a great writer, what if this is as good as I get, what if my friends won't be there forever, what if I disappoint everyone, my mom, my family, my friends, myself, and even my dad's legacy?
What if I don't deserve to be Loved?
Talk to me, give me words, whatever, insult me, provoke me, hate me, help me, just talk to me. Thank you for bearing this with me. AMEN to all who read this all, if there are gods, may they bless your souls.
22 things said:
ernie.
You deserve to be loved
You write well, very well. Your works = masterpiece. Art.
Your life, grades maybe suck. Pero you can do something naman to improve it. :D
You are not a bad person, though you may be annoying at times. Haha
You are Ernie and I accept you, maging sino ka man. :D
Thanks,
You guys are great,
I've just hit a bad spot right now, I probably just need some fresh air,
I don't know what I need actually.
Ernest
or shall I call you 'Ernie'?
Which one could make you feel your old self again?
Ernest Jean Angeles? Is that why infuriated parents call us with our full names? It's like 1 way of saying, Ernest Jean Angeles, Ernest Jean Angeles, you ARE Ernest Jean Angeles. Get back to your normal self.
But normal could be boring, and you certainly have a distaste for mediocrity so perhaps this is okay for now.
I don't know if kind words would work for you at this time or a serious kick in the @s$.
Or perhaps you need to have your head bashed to get you back to your senses.
Or to stab you until you bleed; bleed so badly until your physical body starts hurting and you'd realize that the hurt from the wound is real and perhaps those in your head are just well, just in your head.
Maybe you just have to go to Tacsiyapo and break plates like crazy or perhaps like KC (Concepcion in her film with Richard Gutierrez).
Speaking of movies, that is, all their problems are solvable. Yours don't seem to be... unless you decapitate your head and place it two steps ahead for you to see the bigger picture. Need the hatchet? I'll hand it to you. Gladly.
Then, let's make an indie film for the unconventional story about you.
shet nag-english ka Ernie., you probably feel really bad huh.,
it's a matter of perspective ernie., try to look at your life as a bell curve., you're focusing on the extreme ends right now, which probably consist of these negative emotions and/or memories, try shifting your attention to the center of the curve, the norm, your usual self and you better realize how good you actually have it...again it's all up to how you appraise them., waaah., i'm not making much sense., but....just fuck off those weird things that your thinking., just keep on trying to do your best...everything will be fine.,, magaling ka kasi!., :D
(^^,) give yourself a rest. Peaceful rest. (i don't mean R.I.P, okay?)
And think about the whole thing over and over. Perhaps you might have fucked up with things you did not want to fuck up, but hey, you're human. There's nothing wrong with you ranting all about grades, university, and love. I believe it's all part of what I term as "growing up." Well, we grew up from kids to teens, and eventually we'll venture into adulthood; so what you are experiencing now is a challenge to how you build yourself and see yourself 10 years after your age now.
More importantly,as the people you have commented before me, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. By loving means accepting your pros and cons, strengths and weaknesses. You don't have to change for anybody, if you think it's not going to help anyway, but learn how to be an assertive individual who also cares for himself and the majority of people who love you.
Ah, love. It's not bad to feel embarassed about it. I think everybody do feel that way few times in their lives. And I assure you, you deserved to be loved. You just haven't found that special person who'll sweep you right off your feet. Don't worry. It takes a great deal of time to find true love, and it can wear you by waiting long, but who knows? It may pay off once you've met and known her.
I know I should not be here and giving you a long talk about this, I'm starting to sound like a big sister, but I'm worried about you and I care. (^^.)
So if you need anything I can help you with, PM me.
I hope everything works out with you, Ernie.
since di kita kilala personally ang masasabi ko lang e..ahmm.. just keep the faith. You have your friends.. and family..Basta gawin mo nalang ang sa tingin mo e tama. Feel the pain then let go.. siguro.
Dear Ernest...
1) In the end, grades don't matter. NOT AT ALL. *sourgraping*
2) Life is good, when we're having fun! - some napkin commie :))
3) Put it this way - it's not a matter of whether you deserve to be loved, but rather whether others deserve to say that they love you. BWAHAHA.
ngak oo nga, e. sa totoo lang kung ako din ang nasa lugar mo, e, maiinis din ako sa sarili ko. tipong tapos na yung mga coping at pagpapaniwala ko sa sarili ko magaling ako, tapos na kong paniwalain ng mga kakilala ko na magaling ako. sabi nila, e. o baka pinapasabi ko pala sa kanila.. ewan. pero tae, bat parang di ako matulungan nung "galing" ko na yun.. parang joke joke..
ewan, pag iniisip kong ako yung nasa kinatatayuan mo, e tingin ko di nalalayong inis din ang mararamdaman ko. e nakakainis naman talaga di ba. magaling na kung magaling, pero magaling nga ba? magaling ba yung gantong buhay? kung ako nasa lugar mo, baka sabihin ko pang patapon na buhay yan. di ka na makahinga sa bahay, di ka pa makahinga sa sarili mo, naiinis ka pa sa mga nangyayari sayo..
huwel. pero naalala ko yung sinabi nung isang pilay na nainterview namin. sabi niya, ang unang step para masolusyunan ang problema ay ang irecognize mo ang problema. harapin ang totoo. tingin ko hindi patetik tong blag na to. e tae, hinaharap mo lang naman yung araw araw na gumugulo sa yo e. tigilan na muna sandali ang lokohan sa sarili.. tama na muna ang comedy show, dahil hindi rin naman comedy ang katotohanang gumugulo sayo. tae.. nakakaalala naman talaga... nakaka neurotic.. nakakabaliw na nga..
pag alam na aNg problema, tsaka gawan ng solusyon..
di ko alam kung ano ang balak mong solusyong gawin sa buhay mo. pero tingin ko, hindi to dead end.
sana hindi ka matakot mag attempt na mag-"effort". nag eeffort ka naman. pero yung tipong matinding effort na niririsk mo na mapupunta sa wala yung taeng effort na yan yung todo porsyento, pag katapos mong gawin e mamatay matay ka na sa ubos ng energy (kahihiyan, reputasyon, laaaaahaat) hindi lang to tungkol sa acads, pero tungkol sa iba pa.. nakakadepress na mapupunta sa wala lahat ng pinaggagawa mo. tapos ilang ulit mo pa sinubok, tapos wala pa rin. tapos nakakainis kasi nakakapagod na..pero walaaaaaaa pa rin. pero di ka titigil, kasi naniniwala ka pa rin. ^_________^.. panloloko sa sarili? baka..(pero wala rin naman yung kinaiba sa paniniwala na walang mangyayari di ba? tungkol lang to sa paniniwala.. ) pero, hindi ko alam kung mas mabuti ba kumpara dito ang hindi na lang gumawa ng paraan dahil natatatakot,, na magkandasemplang semplang pa ang semplang nang buhay..
kapag ayaw maki ayon ng pangyayari, pakilusin mo ang mga pangyayari. mukhang imposible, pero tae.. kahit .000000000000000001 mm.. na pagkilos, pagkilos pa rin yun. :D
goodluck sa pag papraktis. ^__^.. alam ko namang ginagawan mo ng paraan ang mga kaguluhang yan. :D kung mapunta man sa wala yang ginagawa mo, kung bumagsak ka man sa fine arts e di pa huli ang lahat. pero isipin mo na lang na babagsak ka sa fine arts, para mas maganda. babagsak ka!!! bABagsak kaaaaaa!!!
babagsak ka! i mind set mo nang babagsak ka! dahil babagsak ka!!!!!!!!!!! kulang pa galing mo!!!! kulang paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
:D
(ang tanging paraan lang para maudlot ang pagbagsak na yun ay gumawa ng paraan para hindi bumagsak! :D)
i-falsify mo tong sinasabi ko!!!!! go go go!!!!!
...on the other hand, uhm...
*shows ernest a giant shredder to jump into*
=))
Yeah yeah,
I don't want to be normal, my normal self won't do anything, and I want to do something,
I am much more in my senses than I have ever been in my entire life, now I'm feeling how hard it really is and how hard its gonna be, and how stupidly I'm looking at life.
I need to do something, kick me in the ass or decapitate my member I don't care,
These things are real raeyman, and I want them to be just part of my braindrizzles but their not, their real and their coming down on me like fucking thunderstorms.
So there, I am in my senses, sorry I didn't IM you about this earlier, its just easier for me to write and explain than to talk and explain about these things.
The extremes are there, what else can I do but look at them?
I can't even find the tip of the motherfuckin' bell.
And these aren't really memories, their the present and I'm so damn frustrated about all of it, I need to get out and all the skills I have aren't helping me get out.
The world just starts telling you 'hey, this is me, I'm not fair, but you have to live in me'
And I'm thinking, "fuck you world! I don't have to live in you." But I do, I want to live and the only way I know how to live is not the way I'm living.
Oh I love myself, I have so much self love that I forgot the world doesn't care about self love.
I'm growing up perhaps, and these may be my growing pains on myself, like not wanting to grow up, wanting to stay a kid dreaming.
But my problem is when the dreams start becoming real, so does the nightmares.
I have faith,
just not in the places I need them at the moment.
I like pain, it makes me feel miserable.
Dear Gab,
1. Yeah, I know, its just that they matter at the moment and I'm still too far the end.
2. I may be having too much fun, oh well, live life, not let life live you right?
3. I like that! Great statement!
Thanks dude.
Sakto, hindi ko alam kung ano pakinabang sa'kin nitong galing, andito ako sa pamamaraan ng pamumuhay na hindi ako matutulungan ng galing na ito sa ngayon, hindi ko alam ang kailangan ko pero tingin ko ang kailangan ko ay takas, escpae route, trap door, kahit ano.
Gusto ko maniwalang magaling ako, pero hindi naman ako singgaling ng kailangan ko, hindi ako singgaling ng inaangas ko at hindi ako singgaling para tumakas, kung magaling man ako, ba't ako nandito? Bakit ako nagpapasakal? Ba't hindi ako makawala?
oo nga, kung komedi man ito, hindi na nakakatawa.
Hanapin ang problema? Madaming beses ko na dinaiagnose tong problemang ito, wala parin akong cause. Pero sa lahat ng pinagdadaanan ko iisa lang ang consistent, ako yun, lagi akong nandun, baka naman ako nga ang problema, baka naman hindi ito ang buhay para sa akin, baka naman niloloko ko pa ang sarili ko na marunong ako maglakad samantalang pilay pala ako.
Salamat naman at sa tingin mo hindi ito dead end, yun kasi ang tingin ko e, at ayoko pa man din sa dead end.
Ayun nga siguro, takot.
Ayoko na na natatakot, gusto ko na kumilos at gumawa ng paraan, kumilos at ibenta na ang galing ko sa sino mang bibili. Pero nasasakal ako dahil hindi lang pananaw ko ang umiiral, may pananaw na kailangan ko muna tapusin ang ngayon bago ko simulan ang susunod, ayoko na ipagpaliban ang pagsisimula pero hanggang ngayon rehas parin sa akin ang bintana ang bahay, umalis man ako dito parin ako babalik, gusto ko hindi na ako dito babalik, yung wala akong haharapin na kailangan kong sabihan na "Palpak ako ngayong araw na 'to", kung ako lang ang sasabihan kong palpak ako, wala naman sigurong problema, sanay ako pumalpak, nakakabanas lang masumbatan.
Syanga pala, hindi ako babagsak.
that's the best I've had all day, hehehe
uhh....
walang kinapupuntahan ang baka...
buti pa baboy, tumatakbo. heheheh.
may bagay na mas sigurado tayo, okei din siguro kung dun ka magsimula. pundasyon kung baga. baka lang.. (heheh. ngerk.. baka din,, haha pero at least isang alternativ na paraan.. haha..) :D
o, o, o,, wag mong sabihing wala kang sigurado...
ha!
b-(
Talaga?
Literal na magaling ka magsalita. Patunayan mo ngayong di ka lang sa salita.
nga pala.. ano yung endymion..
hahahahahaha.. akala ko demoniyo na anagram.. lolx, hahahahah
sabi ni wiki... mythology.. lalim pala @-)
__________
gudlak na lang uli. :D
[teka, di pa ata kita ginudlak.. heniwey. ayoko sa lak... uhh... go go go na lang uli. hihi]
Napulot ko lang yun sa title ng isang tula ng isang awtor na di ko na maalala,
basta naalala ko yung title, endymion.
ganda pakinggan e, endymion.
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